Just smile now, as the world walks on by...

The stories are true, but there's not necesssarily real characters... It's like in war and history movies... the war really happened, the events all actually took place, but usually the characters are completely made up or just vaguely based on real people.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a real life movie, playing the wrong character. Not because I was cast as the wrong role, but because I chose the one that it's easiest to hide behind. God planned our lives, with the perfect role for each of us, so why is it so hard to play that part? No, wait... it wouldn't be playing, 'cause that is who we really are... how come it is so much easier to pretend to be someone else? "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord..." "But I know the plans I have for myself," I argue... and God continues "Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you..." I'm pretty sure that I can't honestly say my own plans won't harm me... because I know they will. So again, why is it so easy to fall back behind the mask... why is it so hard to step off the stage and live outside the act?

I think one of the problems with running away from who we are, is that in the midst of it all, we end up giving God the wrong role in our lives as well. At least in my life, I've found that when I'm feeling the furthest from God is when I feel the most condemned... Yet when I feel the closest to Him, is when I start learning to be who I really am, and liking that person... I know I've said that we will never know who we truly are until we learn to seek out who God is... and I need to add to that... We will never be confident with who we truly are, until we are confident with who God created us to be... I know they're essentially the same thing (assuming that under the masks, we all really are the person God created us to be), but sometimes its easier to just spend time learning who God created us to be and engraving that in our minds and into our hearts before we realize that who He created us to be is who we really are... and yeah I never really completed my thoughts on that and am just rambling now... sooooo I'll stop for now... yes. =P

Psalm 34:5
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

I can't deny 'cause He's already knowing this...

Resist: to refrain or abstain from, esp. with difficulty or reluctance
Overcome: to conquer or defeat; to overcome the enemy

What does it mean to overcome? Is it simply not giving into temptations, or is there more to it? To overcome is to defeat something; to resist is to avoid it… I have spent way too long resisting, and not enough time overcoming in my life. It is always just the same motions, nothing changes. Sure I may be able to avoid temptations, but is there any healing going on? How does resisting help in the restoration of our hearts? It doesn’t. All resisting does is avoid the deeper issues, pushing them further into the darkness.

Alright, alright… I know I need to overcome some struggles in my life, but is it really possible? Sometimes I’m not entirely sure I have it in me. Well, I suppose I don’t on my own. I can never overcome these things in my own way. How come it is so easy to doubt God though? What has He ever done to make me think He isn’t trustworthy, and will let me down? I’m reminded of a story in Mark 9… A man approaches Jesus on behalf of His son who is possessed by an evil spirit. The man asks Jesus this: “…if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." That man had his doubts. He wanted to believe that Jesus could do anything, that He would be able to help him, but yet he feared that maybe He couldn’t… maybe it was not true at all… “if you can do anything…”

23" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."

24Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

“Everything is possible for him who believes.” So that’s what my doubts are achieving… or not achieving at that… but I love the man’s ‘prayer’ there. “Help me overcome my unbelief.” Well now we’re getting somewhere... The first step in overcoming anything else is to first overcome our unbelief. We need to believe, not just say, but truly believe that through God, we are Overcomers.

God loves us, He can and will heal us and He will show us what freedom really is. In His love, our mistakes are already overcome, He WILL set us free.

2 Timothy 4:7
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Once again we’re reminded how important faith really is. I’m going to reword that. “Because I have kept the faith, my fighting has been worth it and I have finished this race.” I think I forget how important faith is in my struggles… I just kind of push it aside as not that important, when in reality it is what everything I believe is based on. Without faith, we can’t finish the race, we won’t be able to fight the good fight... Well maybe we can fight, but we won't get very far in it.

1 John 2:14
I have written to you, fathers, because you know Him who has been from the beginning. I have written to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have overcome the evil one.

Living someone else's dream, it's harder than it seems...

Dear friend,

I have seen you so often, yet have never stopped to really let you know how I feel. I've never looked you in the eye and said you would be just fine. I never gave you the chance to know how loved you really are. Ignoring the truth, I stole it from you.

I'm sorry.

Everyday I see your faded eyes; every day hiding behind the same lie. I notice, yet I let it go. You're hiding something, and not once have I stopped to figure out what it is or why you feel the way you do.

I'm sorry.

If I really stopped and tried to understand, would I find more behind your smile? Is there actually more there? 'Cause girl I don't know who you are anymore, and I wonder if I ever will. Is it all my fault you are so scared to be real? What are you hiding from... Are you hiding from me?

I'm sorry.

How come I've paid attention to everyone but you? I guess I have felt that you weren't important enough for my time. You appear to have it all together, why would I need to waste my time on you when there's so many other hurting people out there? That's not really fair to say though, is it? I suppose I have downplayed your needs for way too long.

I'm sorry.

So what if I promised to start caring again? Would you let me? Would it even matter, or is it too late? What if the next time I see you in the mirror, I look right into your eyes and insist that you are worth it? Will you believe me? Can you at least try? I want to see your heart, and a genuine twinkle in your eye... will you change this time?

'Rika

Why don't I just draw a little closer...

I have a lot to write... yet I can't seem to find the time, or thoughts to complete them. Sad day, I know... or maybe it's best. ;) Anyways, it's easy to post pictures, so we can just call it my California photo journal. =P Also, I like Paul Wright... and he has very clever shirts that say "I found Mr. Wright." Brilliant, I know. =P *sings* say I know, I know... wow this is lame... and why I should only post pics... *giggles*


Hanging out in a cute city after our day at the beach... best sign ever =\

Becky insisted on this haha =)

I'm not sure if they're flowers or weeds... with an elephant seal in the background *snickers*


We visited a castle... okay, it was a winery =\ but we think there was a celebrity there... though I'm not sure who ;) and honestly don't really care to...


Lunch on the beach...


I killed him singlehandedly =\


At the castle winery... I thought it was kind of cool =P


lots and lots of birdies...


I like 'em =)


The beach is amazing...


I happen to think elephant seals are hilarious...


and funny looking...


I want to hug one =P


Lil' Z is pretty much the most adorable little girl ever.


Zoe... life.

California (pictures say more than words)

Fuh-ire!!! (It works.)

And though I can't begin to understand the reason...

I was reading the Chronicles of Narnia- Voyage of the Dawn Treader the other day when I came to a part that really stuck out to me. Edmund and Lucy's cousin, Eustace, is on a voyage with them and at one point is turned into a dragon. Even though this helps Eusatce to realize some things about himself, he does NOT enjoy being a dragon at all. He hates seeing his reflection and is afraid of being alone. At the same time though, he is ashamed of being around others because of who he is. I think, minus the dragon part haha, we've all felt like that at times... or maybe its just me, but either way... sometimes we just become so dissatisfied with who we are. We don't like ourselves enough, so how can we expect others to like us? And then there's times when we don't want to be alone for fear of what our thoughts might bring, and of what can come from that thinking...

Well one night Aslan comes to Eustace, leads him to a well, and tells him to undress. Eustace then scratches off his scales and steps out of a layer of skin. When he thinks he is ready to step into the well, he realizes that there is another suit under the one he has just scratched off. This happens three times before Aslan steps in and says he will have to undress Eustace himself. In a state of desperation, the boy/dragon didn't object. I'm going to quote the next part in the story:

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off... Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off- just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt."

This is the part that got me... I mean really... how often do I take all my hurts and my struggles, and try to get rid of them myself, one by one. Yet, they always come back, and still I keep trying to peel it all away, just enough so that it doesn't hurt, and for a moment it feels like I'm getting somewhere. Then I see that all my efforts were pointless, and again I'm left where I started. Yet that's when God comes in and says "My daughter, you don't need to do anything before coming to me, just come to me and let me take care of it." I waste all this time trying to make myself good enough for God, then He tells me all I need to do is turn to Him? Well wouldn't that have been easier in the first place? But then it hurts, it hurts when God brings up things we need to deal with! And why? Only because He is digging deep enough in order to get it all. But goodness, it hurts! But you know what? It is completely worth it. The satisfaction of seeing all that hurt from the past, everything we've struggled with fall away... it's worth the pain from God peeling it all away, it's more than worth it... When we try to fix ourselves we can't go deep enough to get rid of the aching, we don't have it in us to bring up what hurts because we don't see the beauty that can come from that pain.

Aslan then grabs ahold of Eustace, which he didn't like very much since he was tender from his scales and skin being pulled off, and threw him into the water. After only a moment the water was "perfectly delicious" and the pain Eustace had previously felt was gone and he became human again. Aslan then pulled the boy out of the water and gave him a new set of clothes...

Maybe I do trust God enough to peel away my hurt sometimes... but when He does, all of a sudden it becomes too much to handle. It hurt, and so I start pulling away again. Well of course it hurts, I have an open wound and I didn't even let God start the healing yet, and so I walk around as this wound that wasn't treated starts to get infected, and when I finally let God pull the scab off again, I get stuck in the cycle another time. I think thats where a lot of us lose sight, we're expecting to feel fine after God removes everything, and we forget about the healing...

I'm sick of cycles, I want to experience that healing... to the final part of me becoming who God created me to be and giving me that new set of clothes. To be able to dance around in that well in a place of true contentment, to see what that new set of clothes looks like, to truly experience healing like I've never known... this is what I desire.

"But if you ever fall, just fall into My arms..."

Dear 2 AM,

I think we have been spending too much time together. I really do like you, and the friends you bring with you, but I am not convinced we were meant to be. I do not want to hurt you and hope, more than anything, that we can still be friends.

I suppose I owe you the whole truth. You see, I have been forced into an affair with School. Peer pressure, as well as pressure from my parents has convinced me to pursue this relationship. I hope that you don't take this the wrong way, as I would never want to hurt you. I honestly feel though, that at this moment, this is best for me. Okay, maybe I don't, but no one else seems to understand how you fit into my life. As soon as I am able, I plan to break off this broken relationship with School, knowing there would hardly be any hurt on that end.

It seems no matter what I do, you are on my mind. My thinking is blurred from you, I have lost sleep over you. Yet it is so hard to let go. I cannot imagine never seeing you again. If you don't mind, maybe we can get together on the weekends, and over holidays. I am also hoping you will still be willing to spend the summer with me. We have shared laughs together, and you've been there when I have cried. I really do hope that there are no hard feelings, and that you'll be able to understand where I am coming from. I only wish it didn't have to be this way.

In hopes of seeing you soon,

Erika

Saving Cain and Abel kitties...

Hi. Yes, hello. How art thou? I hear a siren. I really did have a point to this blog, I'm just taking a detour. They are so NOT coming after me... they're after Chia. =/ psh.

Anyways. Chia and I went to youth group today. The end. Not really. We pumped up the bass (not the fish =/) as we headed home and rocked out to some FF5 and TFK. 'Twas fun. And that is still not related to anything. We got home at approximately 9:37.2754. It was kind of a hard time for me, 'cause I realized I needed to edit an essay. Well I walked into the office to email myself my paper, when we heard meowing. Make a wish. Long story shortish, kind of not really... we found our kitty with some kitties =S... umm our cat had babies... and for some reason she didn't clean the gunk off... two of the kitties were stuck together. We thought they were siamese at first. hahaha (said in a lively monotone), then realized they were tangled in birth gunk. Yeah, it was kind of tragic. But its okay, we brought them into the light. Literally. I need sleep... or something... and there really isn't a point to this, but I saved the kitties lives by untangling them... it took a lot of work and yeah... moral of the story... homework is good, it may save lives =/ *laughs* haha riiiiight =\

Say it to me in a way that I can understand...

'Tis my friends and my blog, check it out!



It's been a crazy week or so, in oh so many ways. I can't say I'm not glad things are finally calming down. Well... yeah.

I've been excited for spring to be on its way, its been so nice out lately. So what do I wake up to this morning? Some sort of snow storm =/ The only way I will be happy with that would be if school is canceled tomorrow. Right. Ha, tomorrow is April Fools day. I actually almost forgot about it. Note that I said "almost". Thats right. *smiles* But yes. Rawr. I have a secret project to tend to. Not one thats related to April Fools Day though... this is a different one. I think I have too many projects going, eh? haha, oh well. I didn't really have anything worth saying on here right now, but I felt like writing something anyways ;)

Who needs drugs and alcohol when you have toes?

This past week was full of lots of Chia and lots of Nicette. I don't know if I even need to say anymore *laughs*






That is all =/

I feel like I should write more though, but c'mon, what more is there to say? So yes, I guess that really is it. *smiles*

She said, "Are you getting rest?" Sarcastic, I said "plenty"

Hi. Yes, hi. That is pretty much all I have to say. Not really, I'm at Ashley's. She was taking a shower, so I was going to post a blog to enertain myself, but her computers slow. So now... now there's a cool "O" on her door. It tells me I'm awesome. She says its directed towards her, but we know thats all just a cover up. Jesus love you snow much. Wow, thats kind of a lame sticker. But it speaks truth... according to Ashley... but I think Jesus loves us more than snow. 'Cause we're alive. Apparently snow is alive also, in the snow world. Theres snow families that lives in igloos, which is awkward cause that means they make igloos out of each other. I guess they liv ein grass huts instead. squeeeek. Its an old chair, what can I say *shrugs* Bands have weird names... but I can't tell you which ones, 'cause that'd be an invasion of privacy haha... Speaking of band names, I've been in quite a few myself *snickers* There's Almost Forgotten, hold on Ashley's brushing my hair, awkward!! *steals brush* aw man, they don't have gel or anything here, my 'hawks gonna look odd... oh yeah, bands... Wash Work (short for Wash Hands Before Returning to Work)... but I think if I was really in a band, I'd call it Clothed in Chaos. I wrote a story with a band by that name in it. Come to think of it, I never finished that book... it was my studyhall enertainment last year, so pretty much its lame whooooo. Pickles are amazing. Well they're alright, you have to have the right kind. Like the ones at the WI cheese store thingamajig at the Mall of America... I get one all the time. Well I only have twice, but close enough. Not like I really go to the mall often, actually I haven't been there for a really long time. Shopping gets me the closet to death I've ever been. That might be a tad exaggerated, and its fun with friends... but I still get tired. Okay, maybe I should rephrase... shopping with my family gets me the closest... but thats okay, I have legs, I can go wander off by myself. I like wandering off by myself. Especially at music festivals, that probably sounds odd, but true story. Lifelight was like the most amazing ever because I didn't have to be with anyone, I just walked around... it was snazzy. wow this is getting long, I should probably stop for the sake of everyone involved. Did you honestly read that? wow, and I thought I didn't have a life just for writing it *laughs* haha I'm kidding... =/ (and for a certain someone, I don't feel like finding an actual stern smiley, so that does NOT cancel itself out =P)

I will walk on water and You, will catch me if I fall...

Have you ever had some one come up to you all excited to show you something? I get that a lot, someone will come up to me and be like "Erika, come here! You have to see this, it is so cool!" Usually though, it is when I am in the middle of somethng so I'll just respond "yeah, hold on" usually assuming its nothing anyways, and then ignore the continuing calls to see it. Then I finally get around to go see what was so special, but by the time I get there, I've missed out on a lot, or maybe even missed it totally. If I only knew what was so special, if I knew what I was missing, maybe then I would've been more interested. Maybe then I could've just stopped everything I was doing and been able to see the beauty before it faded away.

I think we tend to do the same thing with God, at least I do. He'll come up to me, grab both my hands in His and tell me "Come on, you have to see this amazing freedom I have for you. I want for you to feel this, I don't want you to hurt anymore. I know the path to it may be painful, but in the end it is worth it all." Then I often pull away, turn the other way and tell Him "but God, I'm not ready for that yet. I have to do this and that, plus I am not up for the journey yet..." Truly, will I ever be ready? I mean in my mind? psh yeah right... but I don't need to be, because God is ready for me, He always has been. Maybe one day after I've waited for so long I'll realize how much I've been missing in the time I've pulled away, I'll realize I haven't really been living for that time. Now, do I truly want to experience that freedom, or will I forever turn away and never really find the beauty that could come from this pain? Wow, what a stupid question. =P


Matthew 8:20-22
20Jesus was curt: "Are you ready to rough it? We're not staying in the best inns, you know."

21Another follower said, "Master, excuse me for a couple of days, please. I have my father's funeral to take care of."

22Jesus refused. "First things first. Your business is life, not death. Follow me. Pursue life."

It's beautiful, you can turn mistakes to miracles...

I've always stunk at juggling, like seriously, it just doesn't work for me. =P But yeah, I don't know why I started thinking about this, but I did and I realized I've been juggling a lot lately, without really even noticing it. I'll be holding onto something with my right hand, and thats where my focus is, and of course I know I need to let that go. So when I do let it go, when I throw that out, maybe, just maybe for a split second I'll feel free... Yet as I was focusing on whatever I was holding onto with my right hand, I failed to pay attention to what my left hand was grabbing. Then, before I even realize whats happening, that ends up in my right hand, and now my focus is off again, as I start holding tightly onto that. And it becomes a cycle, with the same few issues, letting go of one, grabbing onto another, letting go of that then grabbing something else. I guess I've kind of made myself believe that I have to always be holding onto one of them, that I can't ever be free from it all. But now, as my hands are occupied in this juggling, how can I really do anything? I'm too distracted trying to keep this constant game going that I forget what is really important. How can I possibly grasp God's plans when I'm too busy trying to play this game? I just can't, theres no way to grasp onto both at the same time. And maybe thats what I need to realize, God doesn't want us to be so focused on trying to let go of everything and get stuck in this cycle, not at all. He wants us to give it ALL to Him, let Him take care of it so that we can continue on the journey He has for us... We can be His hands only if we release what we're holding into His hands... but am I ready to do that? Is there any getting ready to do anyways? Whatever happened to "come just as you are." No, theres nothing left to do. Let go and let God. That's it. So why is it so hard to do?

blah

Erika's Aliases

Your movie star name: Orange Ray Your fashion designer name is Erika Madrid Your socialite name is Air Duluth Your fly girl / guy name is E Pel Your detective name is Skunk Prarie Rose Your barfly name is Yogurt Nada Your soap opera name is Ann Willow Oaks Your rock star name is Mints Light Your Star Wars name is Eritik Pelmoe Your punk rock band name is The Confused Lava

http://www.blogthings.com/meganamegenerator/">The Amazing Meganame Generator

You cry for me to let you, let you help me.

The light looks so good at first, and it feels so good to finally leave the dark behind. Yet as I step out, I can see all the scars I got in the dark. I didn't notice them then, I mean sure there is the pain as I stumble around in the blackness, bumping into things, but it wears off quickly, and then I just end up numb to it all. Yet still, in the light, these scratches haunt me, I don't like being able to see them. So I search for shade, any way to hide so that no one can see the real pain. But honestly, what healing can take place in the dark? How many people go in for a surgery and say "Hey, doctor, could you turn off the light before you start cutting me open, I really don't want anyone to see my wounds." You would be crazy to think like that! So am I crazy for trying to stay in the darkness when I know healing will come when I step out and allow myself to become vulnerable and let my scars be visible? Maybe its time to step out into that light and let the true Healer start working. To walk into the light and admit, "you know what, I am broken and I am scarred, but I trust that You know what You're doing and You can take these broken pieces and somehow create them into something beautiful." Life is hard, and you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way! It should be, it just shows that we weren't made for this life, that we were made for so much more. So bring it on... Let life give me what its got, 'cause compared to an eternity on streets of gold, my pain here is nothing, so why let it ruin my joy, why let it bring me down? No, I'm keeping my eyes fixed on that hope, that promise, one day there will be no more tears, no more hurt, and how can my pain be taken away if I haven't experienced it in the first place?

She lays outside and counts the stars...

My reality is simply a fantasy. The unimaginable is the truth. A good thing? Maybe not. Everything is so simple, it could be anyways. Yet we choose to make it so complex, just mix in a little doubt along with a fear of love. It only takes a little when all of a sudden you're further away then you'd ever thought you could be. It's so easy to hop into a big hole, it only takes a step and all of a sudden you're stuck at the bottom. To climb out though? Sometimes it seems like too much of an effort, do we honestly believe its better down here? We can claw at the sides all we want, but the only thing we're doing is scratching ourselves up, causing more bumps and bruises. When will we stop trying so hard to get ourselves out, and see the rope that has been lowered right in front of us. Freedom is right there, all we have to do is grab on, hold on tightly, oh so tightly. And maybe we have grabbed on before, only to loosen our grasp and tumble back to the bottom of this pit. Then we lost our trust, once again. But who was the one to let go? The rope hasn't gone anywhere, the grip on the other end is stronger than we could ever know. Did we let go because we thought we were too weak? Or was it because we had trusted ourselves to be strong enough and failed? What will it take for us to listen to the voice yelling down at as, crying for us to hold on, just hold on and He'll set us free...

What do you say to an angel who doesn't want to sing?

I can say its my blog, and hey I can write about whatever I want... haha but there is so much I want to blabber about, that I just can't... ahhhh... why do I know this? I don't wanna know this anymore... or I just wish it would become public knowledge soon... *shrugs* well for certain sometime this year... goodness, y'all would go crazy if you knew this... buahaha... okay, or maybe I don't really know anything and all that was said just to get you guys curious for no reason whatsoever. I think this is the part where I laugh kind of funkily. wow... see, theres a reason why I shouldn't be writing blogs. Which happens to be the same reason why you shouldn't be reading them haha.

I actually did have something semi-serious to write about, but I kind of forgot what it was. Oh well... so I'm thinking anyone who has a dog totally needs to get them this costume-

So, this last year... wow, its been crazy! In some ways everything has changed, while in others nothing is different. I've definately learned a lot in this last year, and know that this year is going to bring a lot more for me. And though at times it may hurt, in the end it will be amazing. God's got so much for me, for all of us, and I am excited to see where He brings everyone through this new year! I love you all, you've been so amazing!!