Just smile now, as the world walks on by...

The stories are true, but there's not necesssarily real characters... It's like in war and history movies... the war really happened, the events all actually took place, but usually the characters are completely made up or just vaguely based on real people.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a real life movie, playing the wrong character. Not because I was cast as the wrong role, but because I chose the one that it's easiest to hide behind. God planned our lives, with the perfect role for each of us, so why is it so hard to play that part? No, wait... it wouldn't be playing, 'cause that is who we really are... how come it is so much easier to pretend to be someone else? "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord..." "But I know the plans I have for myself," I argue... and God continues "Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you..." I'm pretty sure that I can't honestly say my own plans won't harm me... because I know they will. So again, why is it so easy to fall back behind the mask... why is it so hard to step off the stage and live outside the act?

I think one of the problems with running away from who we are, is that in the midst of it all, we end up giving God the wrong role in our lives as well. At least in my life, I've found that when I'm feeling the furthest from God is when I feel the most condemned... Yet when I feel the closest to Him, is when I start learning to be who I really am, and liking that person... I know I've said that we will never know who we truly are until we learn to seek out who God is... and I need to add to that... We will never be confident with who we truly are, until we are confident with who God created us to be... I know they're essentially the same thing (assuming that under the masks, we all really are the person God created us to be), but sometimes its easier to just spend time learning who God created us to be and engraving that in our minds and into our hearts before we realize that who He created us to be is who we really are... and yeah I never really completed my thoughts on that and am just rambling now... sooooo I'll stop for now... yes. =P

Psalm 34:5
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

I can't deny 'cause He's already knowing this...

Resist: to refrain or abstain from, esp. with difficulty or reluctance
Overcome: to conquer or defeat; to overcome the enemy

What does it mean to overcome? Is it simply not giving into temptations, or is there more to it? To overcome is to defeat something; to resist is to avoid it… I have spent way too long resisting, and not enough time overcoming in my life. It is always just the same motions, nothing changes. Sure I may be able to avoid temptations, but is there any healing going on? How does resisting help in the restoration of our hearts? It doesn’t. All resisting does is avoid the deeper issues, pushing them further into the darkness.

Alright, alright… I know I need to overcome some struggles in my life, but is it really possible? Sometimes I’m not entirely sure I have it in me. Well, I suppose I don’t on my own. I can never overcome these things in my own way. How come it is so easy to doubt God though? What has He ever done to make me think He isn’t trustworthy, and will let me down? I’m reminded of a story in Mark 9… A man approaches Jesus on behalf of His son who is possessed by an evil spirit. The man asks Jesus this: “…if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." That man had his doubts. He wanted to believe that Jesus could do anything, that He would be able to help him, but yet he feared that maybe He couldn’t… maybe it was not true at all… “if you can do anything…”

23" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."

24Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

“Everything is possible for him who believes.” So that’s what my doubts are achieving… or not achieving at that… but I love the man’s ‘prayer’ there. “Help me overcome my unbelief.” Well now we’re getting somewhere... The first step in overcoming anything else is to first overcome our unbelief. We need to believe, not just say, but truly believe that through God, we are Overcomers.

God loves us, He can and will heal us and He will show us what freedom really is. In His love, our mistakes are already overcome, He WILL set us free.

2 Timothy 4:7
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Once again we’re reminded how important faith really is. I’m going to reword that. “Because I have kept the faith, my fighting has been worth it and I have finished this race.” I think I forget how important faith is in my struggles… I just kind of push it aside as not that important, when in reality it is what everything I believe is based on. Without faith, we can’t finish the race, we won’t be able to fight the good fight... Well maybe we can fight, but we won't get very far in it.

1 John 2:14
I have written to you, fathers, because you know Him who has been from the beginning. I have written to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have overcome the evil one.

Living someone else's dream, it's harder than it seems...

Dear friend,

I have seen you so often, yet have never stopped to really let you know how I feel. I've never looked you in the eye and said you would be just fine. I never gave you the chance to know how loved you really are. Ignoring the truth, I stole it from you.

I'm sorry.

Everyday I see your faded eyes; every day hiding behind the same lie. I notice, yet I let it go. You're hiding something, and not once have I stopped to figure out what it is or why you feel the way you do.

I'm sorry.

If I really stopped and tried to understand, would I find more behind your smile? Is there actually more there? 'Cause girl I don't know who you are anymore, and I wonder if I ever will. Is it all my fault you are so scared to be real? What are you hiding from... Are you hiding from me?

I'm sorry.

How come I've paid attention to everyone but you? I guess I have felt that you weren't important enough for my time. You appear to have it all together, why would I need to waste my time on you when there's so many other hurting people out there? That's not really fair to say though, is it? I suppose I have downplayed your needs for way too long.

I'm sorry.

So what if I promised to start caring again? Would you let me? Would it even matter, or is it too late? What if the next time I see you in the mirror, I look right into your eyes and insist that you are worth it? Will you believe me? Can you at least try? I want to see your heart, and a genuine twinkle in your eye... will you change this time?

'Rika

Why don't I just draw a little closer...

I have a lot to write... yet I can't seem to find the time, or thoughts to complete them. Sad day, I know... or maybe it's best. ;) Anyways, it's easy to post pictures, so we can just call it my California photo journal. =P Also, I like Paul Wright... and he has very clever shirts that say "I found Mr. Wright." Brilliant, I know. =P *sings* say I know, I know... wow this is lame... and why I should only post pics... *giggles*


Hanging out in a cute city after our day at the beach... best sign ever =\

Becky insisted on this haha =)

I'm not sure if they're flowers or weeds... with an elephant seal in the background *snickers*


We visited a castle... okay, it was a winery =\ but we think there was a celebrity there... though I'm not sure who ;) and honestly don't really care to...


Lunch on the beach...


I killed him singlehandedly =\


At the castle winery... I thought it was kind of cool =P


lots and lots of birdies...


I like 'em =)


The beach is amazing...


I happen to think elephant seals are hilarious...


and funny looking...


I want to hug one =P


Lil' Z is pretty much the most adorable little girl ever.


Zoe... life.

California (pictures say more than words)

Fuh-ire!!! (It works.)

And though I can't begin to understand the reason...

I was reading the Chronicles of Narnia- Voyage of the Dawn Treader the other day when I came to a part that really stuck out to me. Edmund and Lucy's cousin, Eustace, is on a voyage with them and at one point is turned into a dragon. Even though this helps Eusatce to realize some things about himself, he does NOT enjoy being a dragon at all. He hates seeing his reflection and is afraid of being alone. At the same time though, he is ashamed of being around others because of who he is. I think, minus the dragon part haha, we've all felt like that at times... or maybe its just me, but either way... sometimes we just become so dissatisfied with who we are. We don't like ourselves enough, so how can we expect others to like us? And then there's times when we don't want to be alone for fear of what our thoughts might bring, and of what can come from that thinking...

Well one night Aslan comes to Eustace, leads him to a well, and tells him to undress. Eustace then scratches off his scales and steps out of a layer of skin. When he thinks he is ready to step into the well, he realizes that there is another suit under the one he has just scratched off. This happens three times before Aslan steps in and says he will have to undress Eustace himself. In a state of desperation, the boy/dragon didn't object. I'm going to quote the next part in the story:

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off... Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off- just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt."

This is the part that got me... I mean really... how often do I take all my hurts and my struggles, and try to get rid of them myself, one by one. Yet, they always come back, and still I keep trying to peel it all away, just enough so that it doesn't hurt, and for a moment it feels like I'm getting somewhere. Then I see that all my efforts were pointless, and again I'm left where I started. Yet that's when God comes in and says "My daughter, you don't need to do anything before coming to me, just come to me and let me take care of it." I waste all this time trying to make myself good enough for God, then He tells me all I need to do is turn to Him? Well wouldn't that have been easier in the first place? But then it hurts, it hurts when God brings up things we need to deal with! And why? Only because He is digging deep enough in order to get it all. But goodness, it hurts! But you know what? It is completely worth it. The satisfaction of seeing all that hurt from the past, everything we've struggled with fall away... it's worth the pain from God peeling it all away, it's more than worth it... When we try to fix ourselves we can't go deep enough to get rid of the aching, we don't have it in us to bring up what hurts because we don't see the beauty that can come from that pain.

Aslan then grabs ahold of Eustace, which he didn't like very much since he was tender from his scales and skin being pulled off, and threw him into the water. After only a moment the water was "perfectly delicious" and the pain Eustace had previously felt was gone and he became human again. Aslan then pulled the boy out of the water and gave him a new set of clothes...

Maybe I do trust God enough to peel away my hurt sometimes... but when He does, all of a sudden it becomes too much to handle. It hurt, and so I start pulling away again. Well of course it hurts, I have an open wound and I didn't even let God start the healing yet, and so I walk around as this wound that wasn't treated starts to get infected, and when I finally let God pull the scab off again, I get stuck in the cycle another time. I think thats where a lot of us lose sight, we're expecting to feel fine after God removes everything, and we forget about the healing...

I'm sick of cycles, I want to experience that healing... to the final part of me becoming who God created me to be and giving me that new set of clothes. To be able to dance around in that well in a place of true contentment, to see what that new set of clothes looks like, to truly experience healing like I've never known... this is what I desire.

"But if you ever fall, just fall into My arms..."

Dear 2 AM,

I think we have been spending too much time together. I really do like you, and the friends you bring with you, but I am not convinced we were meant to be. I do not want to hurt you and hope, more than anything, that we can still be friends.

I suppose I owe you the whole truth. You see, I have been forced into an affair with School. Peer pressure, as well as pressure from my parents has convinced me to pursue this relationship. I hope that you don't take this the wrong way, as I would never want to hurt you. I honestly feel though, that at this moment, this is best for me. Okay, maybe I don't, but no one else seems to understand how you fit into my life. As soon as I am able, I plan to break off this broken relationship with School, knowing there would hardly be any hurt on that end.

It seems no matter what I do, you are on my mind. My thinking is blurred from you, I have lost sleep over you. Yet it is so hard to let go. I cannot imagine never seeing you again. If you don't mind, maybe we can get together on the weekends, and over holidays. I am also hoping you will still be willing to spend the summer with me. We have shared laughs together, and you've been there when I have cried. I really do hope that there are no hard feelings, and that you'll be able to understand where I am coming from. I only wish it didn't have to be this way.

In hopes of seeing you soon,

Erika

Saving Cain and Abel kitties...

Hi. Yes, hello. How art thou? I hear a siren. I really did have a point to this blog, I'm just taking a detour. They are so NOT coming after me... they're after Chia. =/ psh.

Anyways. Chia and I went to youth group today. The end. Not really. We pumped up the bass (not the fish =/) as we headed home and rocked out to some FF5 and TFK. 'Twas fun. And that is still not related to anything. We got home at approximately 9:37.2754. It was kind of a hard time for me, 'cause I realized I needed to edit an essay. Well I walked into the office to email myself my paper, when we heard meowing. Make a wish. Long story shortish, kind of not really... we found our kitty with some kitties =S... umm our cat had babies... and for some reason she didn't clean the gunk off... two of the kitties were stuck together. We thought they were siamese at first. hahaha (said in a lively monotone), then realized they were tangled in birth gunk. Yeah, it was kind of tragic. But its okay, we brought them into the light. Literally. I need sleep... or something... and there really isn't a point to this, but I saved the kitties lives by untangling them... it took a lot of work and yeah... moral of the story... homework is good, it may save lives =/ *laughs* haha riiiiight =\

Say it to me in a way that I can understand...

'Tis my friends and my blog, check it out!



It's been a crazy week or so, in oh so many ways. I can't say I'm not glad things are finally calming down. Well... yeah.

I've been excited for spring to be on its way, its been so nice out lately. So what do I wake up to this morning? Some sort of snow storm =/ The only way I will be happy with that would be if school is canceled tomorrow. Right. Ha, tomorrow is April Fools day. I actually almost forgot about it. Note that I said "almost". Thats right. *smiles* But yes. Rawr. I have a secret project to tend to. Not one thats related to April Fools Day though... this is a different one. I think I have too many projects going, eh? haha, oh well. I didn't really have anything worth saying on here right now, but I felt like writing something anyways ;)