When the darkness closes in, You are never far from me...

I glanced up at the flight attendants and pilot as I stepped onto the fifth and last airplane of my trip. Here I was again, same old routine. I didn't mind it though, I love the sense of adventure of getting on a plane and traveling. As I settled into my seat, I looked around at the people around me. It was easy to tell who had flown before, and who hadn't. But then again I had never been scared of flying, I've never seen much of a reason to be... Yet, as I shoved my bag under the seat in front of me, I realized how much trust it takes to so confidently sit down, convinced I'll make it safely to my destination. I have to trust that the pilot knows what he is doing, and that the airline who hired him made sure he was qualified. I have to trust the mechanics, and that they checked to make sure the plane was running smoothly. The people filling the plane with gas, they did put in enough, right? What about the flight attendants, they really did shut the door tight and make sure everything was ready, and I trust they know what to do in case of a crash (that I already trust won't happen). Yet, with everything that could go wrong, with all the different variables to this trust, I can sit back in my seat, put on my headphones and just chill, pushing out the worries of the world. And on top of that, when I got to the airport, I hopped in a taxi with some guy, trusting he would get me to the hotel, and drive safely there.

How on earth is it so easy to not think twice about any of that, but when it comes to God having control in my life, I hesitate. I stop, I kick, I scream, I turn to run the other way... I wonder what the flight attendants would think if I did that as I got on the plane... hmmm... haha... anyways, how is it so easy to trust someone you have never even heard of in your life, yet so difficult to trust someone who has proved to be faithful time and time again? Ya know, I think it has to do with all God has done for us. He knows everything about us, so for Him to let us down, it would be devastating. Though God has proven He is trustworthy, think about it. If some stranger you just met lets you down, you shrug it off, it's not that big of a deal. Yet when your best friend promises you something, and then they don't go through with that promise, it absolutely devestates you. Why? Because they've invested time in you before, You've grown to trust them. So if God were to let us down, it would be sooooo much worse.

But then again, that doesn't explain why we doubt Him in the first place... maybe it's our own insecurity... If we are able to fully trust God, what are we admitting? We admit that we can't handle things ourselves. We are admitting we are weak. It's been said that in our weakness He is made strong, but do we believe that? As humans, that is really hard for us to do... It seems even when we trust God, it's hard for us to let go. Is that even trust though? "Well yeah, I believe God can handle this, but I don't really want Him to right now, I just want to keep trying myself." I think trust is more than a belief that God can do something, it's the action of letting go without hesitancy.

"To trust Him means, of course, trying to do all that He says. There would be no sense in saying you trusted a person if you would not take his advice. Thus if you have really handed yourself over to Him, it must follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way, a less worried way."
C. S. Lewis

Matthew 14:27- 31
But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

The first thing I notice in that story is how Peter never asked if he would be able to walk on the water. He never questioned it, Peter just trusted that if Jesus called him to Himself, Peter would be able to get there. Everytime God calls us to Him, and we walk to Him, we don't often ask about the journey there, we just go (when we're finally able to trust Him that is), and are then surprised by what we face. Jesus never told Peter it would be a nice, calm little stroll to Him, no not at all. In fact, it was windy, and out on the middle of open water... thats intesnse! All of a sudden, in the midst of it, Peter started doubting, which is when he began to sink. Yet, in that point of desperation, he cried out to Jesus, who was within reach of Peter. We always see Jesus as a ways off when Peter starts sinking, but Jesus' response to Peter's crying out was immediate, and He caught His friend, asking why He doubted. Peter wasn't far off when he started drowning, no he was actually within reach of Jesus, and had he wanted to, he could've grabbed onto the man, but the wind and the waves got to him and he doubted anyways. I think we're all a lot like Peter. We trust God initially, but as we walk out into the open, all of a sudden we're aware of the storm around us. Our circumstances become so much clearer than the fact that God is right next to us through it all. We become so absorbed in the uncertain, our focus shifts from what we know to be true. When we fail to see God and trust Him, we start drowning in everything going on. We wait until we get to a point of desperation to cry out to God. Yet He never fails us, even when we hesitate before crying out. He is still always there to grab us and hold on even when we can't keep ourselves up (which is always =P). What if as soon as the wind started, when we became vividly aware of the circumstances around us, we trusted that God wasn't going to let us drown? What if we reached out and grabbed God's hand, before He had to grab ours? Would it change anything? What do you think?

I don't really know what else to say, those are just my random ponderings lately... but I found this quote, and I just want to say... I want to be able to trust in God like this, I couldn't imagine how hard something like that must've been, and to be able to trust that God is good, even in those times, without doubt... wow.

Often I have heard people say, "How good God is! We prayed that it would not rain for our church picnic, and look at the lovely weather!" Yes, God is good when He sends good weather. But God was also good when He allowed my sister, Betsie, to starve to death before my eyes in a German concentration camp. I remember one occasion when I was very discouraged there. Everything around us was dark, and there was darkness in my heart. I remember telling Betsie that I thought God had forgotten us. "No, Corrie," said Betsie, "He has not forgotten us. Remember His Word: "For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him." Corrie concludes, "There is an ocean of God's love available - there is plenty for everyone. May God grant you never to doubt that victorious love - whatever the circumstances."

Corrie Ten Boom

...

Here we are God, we're broken and bruised. But God, if You want the mess we are, if You will take us in the many pieces we bring before you, they're Yours. Our broken hearts, we lay before You. Our fears and failures, Father we lay them down before You. We don't want to doubt anymore God, we know You're a healer, and we accept that healing. These broken pieces, these wounds that have been torn open again and again, God we want you to heal us. We want You God, and You alone. All the other junk in the world, all of our struggles, all of our accomplishments, they don't mean a thing God. We're leaving them behind and walking into Your arms.

We can't pretend we're alright, we are hurting so much. We've pushed you away for way too long. We've tried to do it our own way too many times. We've turned to other things Father, and it's time we let them go. Tonight, we claim your freedom over our lives. We will not be held hostage by anything, but Your love, bind us with Your love. God, we need You. We need You so badly. Speak to us tonight, we want to hear You. We want to see You. And Father, we want to feel You... We need to feel You.

Eh...

I watched the flames crash over the old house like never ending waves. It's odd, isn't it? The same thing you live for can be the very thing that destroys everything around you. With a deep breath, I pulled a gas mask over my face and said a quick prayer. It's not difficult to break into a place that is already burning down, so I kicked in the door and carefully surveyed my surroundings. This wasn't my fight, why should I worry? Yet sometimes the battles that are hardest are those the people closest to you are lost in. Flames spilled out of the room to my right. I remembered nights spent staying up all hours, talking through everything we didn't understand. I never thought it would be like this to watch our memories fade. I didn't have time to think about that though. As fire sparked over my head, I fell to the floor. Hurry up, I thought to myself, hurry up. I moved slowly down the hall. Hello, is anyone in here? A faint cry for help seemed to lift out of the floor boards. I crawled in further until the floor seemed to give out below me. Quickly backing away, I peered into this chasm to the basement. Help, I heard the weak voice again. It was coming from the basement. I glanced over at the stairs where the floor had caved in. So much for that idea. I had a rope ladder on my pack, not the best idea in the midst of a fire, but right now I had no choice. Fastening it to a sturdy pipe, I hesitantly crawled down. It was only a matter of seconds before I found my friend. My eyes filled with tears as I looked at her, so lifeless and alone. Quickly making my way to her side, she watched me with wide eyes. As I reached her, she couldn't say a word, but simply collapsed in my arms with her remaining energy. I knew I needed to get her out, and fast. Grabbing her tightly, I began the ascent up the ladder. It felt like an hour before I finally got us to the top. Stopping for a quick breath at the top, I was soon working my way back through the house. C'mon friend, just a little further, we'll make it. The breath of air as soon as I rushed out that door was possibly the most satisfying burst of air I had ever breathed. Situating my friend against a tree, a little ways from the flames, I ran back into the house. I didn't think anyone else was home, but I had to make sure. The ladder was still hanging precariously over the hole. I scurried down it, not thinking twice about what I was doing. Luckily the basement was small, and I had it searched quickly. No one. I let out a relieved sigh and went to find the ladder. Grabbing onto the bottom, I looked up and gasped. The flames found their way to the outside of the hole. Now I was stuck, exactly where I just helped my friend escape, unsure of where to go. It wasn't worth screaming above the roaring flames. There seemed to be nothing to do but watch as the fire spread towards me, shaking its angry fist in bursts of smoke. I looked up through the hole one more time, and as the ladder burned, hold on, I heard you say hold on.

...

I sat somewhat awkwardly on the hard plastic chair. What kind of comfort were they trying to provide anyways? There was an open couch in the small room, but I couldn't bring myself to sit in it. Couches are for watching movies. You sit in couches with your best friend, laughing over absolutely nothing. Couches are comfortable, right now I wasn't. And I refused to sit on the couch.

I pulled my legs up under me, watching the different people in the room. I should know who they were. A friend of my mom's, a staff member, someone from church maybe? I glanced up as my father walked into the room, breaking the awkward silence. Do I want to see her? What kind of question was that? Yes, I want to go watch my sister, barely grasping life. I want to hear the whirring machines, announcing there isn't much time left. I kept a neutral face, hardly moving, hoping that would be enough of an answer.

I wasn't sure if I should be angry or thankful for the clock on the wall. The steady ticking told me that time wasn't speeding up, but at least it wasn't slowing down either. Are you still holding on, Mary? Another minute passed. Are you thinking of home? Do you know how near the end is? I sighed, resituating myself in the plastic cocoon. Silent conversations blew a somber tone into the room. "She won't make it through the night."

Of course, I knew that. We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for that thing called death. But then death seems to be the one concept that makes people truly care. Who knows where all these people were before, but now that there was a timeframe, everyone was interested. Maybe it's because no one really understands life in the first place, that they have to look at death for a reason. Yet I don't think all the intelligence in the universe could ever truly get it.

It's funny how much life someone so lifeless can have. Yet in just a second, it all disappears. Did I not have enough faith? Maybe I should have let myself feel something, anything. Everyone says it's okay to cry, that you don't have to pretend to be strong, but does anyone truly believe that? I may have just watched my family die with my sister, but I couldn't let that happen to me too. Someone has to stay strong. I guess that someone was me this time. I was okay with that.

I hated that I didn't know anyone at the funeral. I wonder how many of them Mary actually knew. How many of them were truly around for her when she needed someone to talk to? Who had been a shoulder for her when she needed to cry? I wanted to tell everyone to go home. To say that Mary didn't need them anymore. "She won!" I would yell, "Cancer lost yet another battle... she won..." I could shout it through tears, to anyone who would listen. My voice would trail off at the end... Would anyone listen?

But I remained silent.

You make it so hard on yourself...

When has love become such a game? There are so many rules, so much is at stake. When have we become so caught up in protecting ourselves? That's not what love should be... thats not what love is!

Sometimes I think we use love to make us look good, or at other times, we just try to love because it's "the right thing to do." If God is love, doesn't that mean we should be finding our love through Him? We can't just decide to love someone, and that be that. Our love can't come from anywhere else but God, He is love... Love isn't an emotion, it's an action... not even that, it's a lifestyle... It's saturating ourselves in God, because when we're so covered in love ourselves, there's no way we can't love those around us...

John 4:16
And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

I think we so often start focusing on our relationships with other people, and how we can fix them or make them better that we tend to lose our focus and let humans replace our relationship with God. Maybe not replace entirely, but instead of looking at God and resting in His love, we try to love through our own abilities... yet somehow we always come up short. Without God, the loves just not really truly there.

Song of Solomon 8:7
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

Wouldn't it be awesome to be able to love like that? No matter what strong waters come rushing into our lives, or how big of a wave may crash down, our love for each other would not fade a bit. I'm not even talking just love for our family, or in friendships, but for everyone... every person we meet would see our love for them, that we really care for them, no matter what their background is or what they have done.

If there's one thing in this life I want more than anything else, it's to love like Jesus. Everything always comes back to love... it's love that casts out fear, we don't have to be afraid of anything because of God's great love for us. The enemy has no power over us, and no one can hurt us, all because of God's awesome love for each and every one of us. With love that amazing, shouldn't we be thrilled at the chance to share that love? =)

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

I haven't abandoned ship...

Promise.

Just smile now, as the world walks on by...

The stories are true, but there's not necesssarily real characters... It's like in war and history movies... the war really happened, the events all actually took place, but usually the characters are completely made up or just vaguely based on real people.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a real life movie, playing the wrong character. Not because I was cast as the wrong role, but because I chose the one that it's easiest to hide behind. God planned our lives, with the perfect role for each of us, so why is it so hard to play that part? No, wait... it wouldn't be playing, 'cause that is who we really are... how come it is so much easier to pretend to be someone else? "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord..." "But I know the plans I have for myself," I argue... and God continues "Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you..." I'm pretty sure that I can't honestly say my own plans won't harm me... because I know they will. So again, why is it so easy to fall back behind the mask... why is it so hard to step off the stage and live outside the act?

I think one of the problems with running away from who we are, is that in the midst of it all, we end up giving God the wrong role in our lives as well. At least in my life, I've found that when I'm feeling the furthest from God is when I feel the most condemned... Yet when I feel the closest to Him, is when I start learning to be who I really am, and liking that person... I know I've said that we will never know who we truly are until we learn to seek out who God is... and I need to add to that... We will never be confident with who we truly are, until we are confident with who God created us to be... I know they're essentially the same thing (assuming that under the masks, we all really are the person God created us to be), but sometimes its easier to just spend time learning who God created us to be and engraving that in our minds and into our hearts before we realize that who He created us to be is who we really are... and yeah I never really completed my thoughts on that and am just rambling now... sooooo I'll stop for now... yes. =P

Psalm 34:5
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

I can't deny 'cause He's already knowing this...

Resist: to refrain or abstain from, esp. with difficulty or reluctance
Overcome: to conquer or defeat; to overcome the enemy

What does it mean to overcome? Is it simply not giving into temptations, or is there more to it? To overcome is to defeat something; to resist is to avoid it… I have spent way too long resisting, and not enough time overcoming in my life. It is always just the same motions, nothing changes. Sure I may be able to avoid temptations, but is there any healing going on? How does resisting help in the restoration of our hearts? It doesn’t. All resisting does is avoid the deeper issues, pushing them further into the darkness.

Alright, alright… I know I need to overcome some struggles in my life, but is it really possible? Sometimes I’m not entirely sure I have it in me. Well, I suppose I don’t on my own. I can never overcome these things in my own way. How come it is so easy to doubt God though? What has He ever done to make me think He isn’t trustworthy, and will let me down? I’m reminded of a story in Mark 9… A man approaches Jesus on behalf of His son who is possessed by an evil spirit. The man asks Jesus this: “…if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." That man had his doubts. He wanted to believe that Jesus could do anything, that He would be able to help him, but yet he feared that maybe He couldn’t… maybe it was not true at all… “if you can do anything…”

23" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."

24Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

“Everything is possible for him who believes.” So that’s what my doubts are achieving… or not achieving at that… but I love the man’s ‘prayer’ there. “Help me overcome my unbelief.” Well now we’re getting somewhere... The first step in overcoming anything else is to first overcome our unbelief. We need to believe, not just say, but truly believe that through God, we are Overcomers.

God loves us, He can and will heal us and He will show us what freedom really is. In His love, our mistakes are already overcome, He WILL set us free.

2 Timothy 4:7
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Once again we’re reminded how important faith really is. I’m going to reword that. “Because I have kept the faith, my fighting has been worth it and I have finished this race.” I think I forget how important faith is in my struggles… I just kind of push it aside as not that important, when in reality it is what everything I believe is based on. Without faith, we can’t finish the race, we won’t be able to fight the good fight... Well maybe we can fight, but we won't get very far in it.

1 John 2:14
I have written to you, fathers, because you know Him who has been from the beginning. I have written to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have overcome the evil one.

Living someone else's dream, it's harder than it seems...

Dear friend,

I have seen you so often, yet have never stopped to really let you know how I feel. I've never looked you in the eye and said you would be just fine. I never gave you the chance to know how loved you really are. Ignoring the truth, I stole it from you.

I'm sorry.

Everyday I see your faded eyes; every day hiding behind the same lie. I notice, yet I let it go. You're hiding something, and not once have I stopped to figure out what it is or why you feel the way you do.

I'm sorry.

If I really stopped and tried to understand, would I find more behind your smile? Is there actually more there? 'Cause girl I don't know who you are anymore, and I wonder if I ever will. Is it all my fault you are so scared to be real? What are you hiding from... Are you hiding from me?

I'm sorry.

How come I've paid attention to everyone but you? I guess I have felt that you weren't important enough for my time. You appear to have it all together, why would I need to waste my time on you when there's so many other hurting people out there? That's not really fair to say though, is it? I suppose I have downplayed your needs for way too long.

I'm sorry.

So what if I promised to start caring again? Would you let me? Would it even matter, or is it too late? What if the next time I see you in the mirror, I look right into your eyes and insist that you are worth it? Will you believe me? Can you at least try? I want to see your heart, and a genuine twinkle in your eye... will you change this time?

'Rika

Why don't I just draw a little closer...

I have a lot to write... yet I can't seem to find the time, or thoughts to complete them. Sad day, I know... or maybe it's best. ;) Anyways, it's easy to post pictures, so we can just call it my California photo journal. =P Also, I like Paul Wright... and he has very clever shirts that say "I found Mr. Wright." Brilliant, I know. =P *sings* say I know, I know... wow this is lame... and why I should only post pics... *giggles*


Hanging out in a cute city after our day at the beach... best sign ever =\

Becky insisted on this haha =)

I'm not sure if they're flowers or weeds... with an elephant seal in the background *snickers*


We visited a castle... okay, it was a winery =\ but we think there was a celebrity there... though I'm not sure who ;) and honestly don't really care to...


Lunch on the beach...


I killed him singlehandedly =\


At the castle winery... I thought it was kind of cool =P


lots and lots of birdies...


I like 'em =)


The beach is amazing...


I happen to think elephant seals are hilarious...


and funny looking...


I want to hug one =P


Lil' Z is pretty much the most adorable little girl ever.


Zoe... life.