...

I sat somewhat awkwardly on the hard plastic chair. What kind of comfort were they trying to provide anyways? There was an open couch in the small room, but I couldn't bring myself to sit in it. Couches are for watching movies. You sit in couches with your best friend, laughing over absolutely nothing. Couches are comfortable, right now I wasn't. And I refused to sit on the couch.

I pulled my legs up under me, watching the different people in the room. I should know who they were. A friend of my mom's, a staff member, someone from church maybe? I glanced up as my father walked into the room, breaking the awkward silence. Do I want to see her? What kind of question was that? Yes, I want to go watch my sister, barely grasping life. I want to hear the whirring machines, announcing there isn't much time left. I kept a neutral face, hardly moving, hoping that would be enough of an answer.

I wasn't sure if I should be angry or thankful for the clock on the wall. The steady ticking told me that time wasn't speeding up, but at least it wasn't slowing down either. Are you still holding on, Mary? Another minute passed. Are you thinking of home? Do you know how near the end is? I sighed, resituating myself in the plastic cocoon. Silent conversations blew a somber tone into the room. "She won't make it through the night."

Of course, I knew that. We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for that thing called death. But then death seems to be the one concept that makes people truly care. Who knows where all these people were before, but now that there was a timeframe, everyone was interested. Maybe it's because no one really understands life in the first place, that they have to look at death for a reason. Yet I don't think all the intelligence in the universe could ever truly get it.

It's funny how much life someone so lifeless can have. Yet in just a second, it all disappears. Did I not have enough faith? Maybe I should have let myself feel something, anything. Everyone says it's okay to cry, that you don't have to pretend to be strong, but does anyone truly believe that? I may have just watched my family die with my sister, but I couldn't let that happen to me too. Someone has to stay strong. I guess that someone was me this time. I was okay with that.

I hated that I didn't know anyone at the funeral. I wonder how many of them Mary actually knew. How many of them were truly around for her when she needed someone to talk to? Who had been a shoulder for her when she needed to cry? I wanted to tell everyone to go home. To say that Mary didn't need them anymore. "She won!" I would yell, "Cancer lost yet another battle... she won..." I could shout it through tears, to anyone who would listen. My voice would trail off at the end... Would anyone listen?

But I remained silent.

You make it so hard on yourself...

When has love become such a game? There are so many rules, so much is at stake. When have we become so caught up in protecting ourselves? That's not what love should be... thats not what love is!

Sometimes I think we use love to make us look good, or at other times, we just try to love because it's "the right thing to do." If God is love, doesn't that mean we should be finding our love through Him? We can't just decide to love someone, and that be that. Our love can't come from anywhere else but God, He is love... Love isn't an emotion, it's an action... not even that, it's a lifestyle... It's saturating ourselves in God, because when we're so covered in love ourselves, there's no way we can't love those around us...

John 4:16
And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

I think we so often start focusing on our relationships with other people, and how we can fix them or make them better that we tend to lose our focus and let humans replace our relationship with God. Maybe not replace entirely, but instead of looking at God and resting in His love, we try to love through our own abilities... yet somehow we always come up short. Without God, the loves just not really truly there.

Song of Solomon 8:7
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

Wouldn't it be awesome to be able to love like that? No matter what strong waters come rushing into our lives, or how big of a wave may crash down, our love for each other would not fade a bit. I'm not even talking just love for our family, or in friendships, but for everyone... every person we meet would see our love for them, that we really care for them, no matter what their background is or what they have done.

If there's one thing in this life I want more than anything else, it's to love like Jesus. Everything always comes back to love... it's love that casts out fear, we don't have to be afraid of anything because of God's great love for us. The enemy has no power over us, and no one can hurt us, all because of God's awesome love for each and every one of us. With love that amazing, shouldn't we be thrilled at the chance to share that love? =)

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

I haven't abandoned ship...

Promise.

Just smile now, as the world walks on by...

The stories are true, but there's not necesssarily real characters... It's like in war and history movies... the war really happened, the events all actually took place, but usually the characters are completely made up or just vaguely based on real people.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a real life movie, playing the wrong character. Not because I was cast as the wrong role, but because I chose the one that it's easiest to hide behind. God planned our lives, with the perfect role for each of us, so why is it so hard to play that part? No, wait... it wouldn't be playing, 'cause that is who we really are... how come it is so much easier to pretend to be someone else? "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord..." "But I know the plans I have for myself," I argue... and God continues "Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you..." I'm pretty sure that I can't honestly say my own plans won't harm me... because I know they will. So again, why is it so easy to fall back behind the mask... why is it so hard to step off the stage and live outside the act?

I think one of the problems with running away from who we are, is that in the midst of it all, we end up giving God the wrong role in our lives as well. At least in my life, I've found that when I'm feeling the furthest from God is when I feel the most condemned... Yet when I feel the closest to Him, is when I start learning to be who I really am, and liking that person... I know I've said that we will never know who we truly are until we learn to seek out who God is... and I need to add to that... We will never be confident with who we truly are, until we are confident with who God created us to be... I know they're essentially the same thing (assuming that under the masks, we all really are the person God created us to be), but sometimes its easier to just spend time learning who God created us to be and engraving that in our minds and into our hearts before we realize that who He created us to be is who we really are... and yeah I never really completed my thoughts on that and am just rambling now... sooooo I'll stop for now... yes. =P

Psalm 34:5
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

I can't deny 'cause He's already knowing this...

Resist: to refrain or abstain from, esp. with difficulty or reluctance
Overcome: to conquer or defeat; to overcome the enemy

What does it mean to overcome? Is it simply not giving into temptations, or is there more to it? To overcome is to defeat something; to resist is to avoid it… I have spent way too long resisting, and not enough time overcoming in my life. It is always just the same motions, nothing changes. Sure I may be able to avoid temptations, but is there any healing going on? How does resisting help in the restoration of our hearts? It doesn’t. All resisting does is avoid the deeper issues, pushing them further into the darkness.

Alright, alright… I know I need to overcome some struggles in my life, but is it really possible? Sometimes I’m not entirely sure I have it in me. Well, I suppose I don’t on my own. I can never overcome these things in my own way. How come it is so easy to doubt God though? What has He ever done to make me think He isn’t trustworthy, and will let me down? I’m reminded of a story in Mark 9… A man approaches Jesus on behalf of His son who is possessed by an evil spirit. The man asks Jesus this: “…if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." That man had his doubts. He wanted to believe that Jesus could do anything, that He would be able to help him, but yet he feared that maybe He couldn’t… maybe it was not true at all… “if you can do anything…”

23" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."

24Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

“Everything is possible for him who believes.” So that’s what my doubts are achieving… or not achieving at that… but I love the man’s ‘prayer’ there. “Help me overcome my unbelief.” Well now we’re getting somewhere... The first step in overcoming anything else is to first overcome our unbelief. We need to believe, not just say, but truly believe that through God, we are Overcomers.

God loves us, He can and will heal us and He will show us what freedom really is. In His love, our mistakes are already overcome, He WILL set us free.

2 Timothy 4:7
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Once again we’re reminded how important faith really is. I’m going to reword that. “Because I have kept the faith, my fighting has been worth it and I have finished this race.” I think I forget how important faith is in my struggles… I just kind of push it aside as not that important, when in reality it is what everything I believe is based on. Without faith, we can’t finish the race, we won’t be able to fight the good fight... Well maybe we can fight, but we won't get very far in it.

1 John 2:14
I have written to you, fathers, because you know Him who has been from the beginning. I have written to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have overcome the evil one.

Living someone else's dream, it's harder than it seems...

Dear friend,

I have seen you so often, yet have never stopped to really let you know how I feel. I've never looked you in the eye and said you would be just fine. I never gave you the chance to know how loved you really are. Ignoring the truth, I stole it from you.

I'm sorry.

Everyday I see your faded eyes; every day hiding behind the same lie. I notice, yet I let it go. You're hiding something, and not once have I stopped to figure out what it is or why you feel the way you do.

I'm sorry.

If I really stopped and tried to understand, would I find more behind your smile? Is there actually more there? 'Cause girl I don't know who you are anymore, and I wonder if I ever will. Is it all my fault you are so scared to be real? What are you hiding from... Are you hiding from me?

I'm sorry.

How come I've paid attention to everyone but you? I guess I have felt that you weren't important enough for my time. You appear to have it all together, why would I need to waste my time on you when there's so many other hurting people out there? That's not really fair to say though, is it? I suppose I have downplayed your needs for way too long.

I'm sorry.

So what if I promised to start caring again? Would you let me? Would it even matter, or is it too late? What if the next time I see you in the mirror, I look right into your eyes and insist that you are worth it? Will you believe me? Can you at least try? I want to see your heart, and a genuine twinkle in your eye... will you change this time?

'Rika

Why don't I just draw a little closer...

I have a lot to write... yet I can't seem to find the time, or thoughts to complete them. Sad day, I know... or maybe it's best. ;) Anyways, it's easy to post pictures, so we can just call it my California photo journal. =P Also, I like Paul Wright... and he has very clever shirts that say "I found Mr. Wright." Brilliant, I know. =P *sings* say I know, I know... wow this is lame... and why I should only post pics... *giggles*


Hanging out in a cute city after our day at the beach... best sign ever =\

Becky insisted on this haha =)

I'm not sure if they're flowers or weeds... with an elephant seal in the background *snickers*


We visited a castle... okay, it was a winery =\ but we think there was a celebrity there... though I'm not sure who ;) and honestly don't really care to...


Lunch on the beach...


I killed him singlehandedly =\


At the castle winery... I thought it was kind of cool =P


lots and lots of birdies...


I like 'em =)


The beach is amazing...


I happen to think elephant seals are hilarious...


and funny looking...


I want to hug one =P


Lil' Z is pretty much the most adorable little girl ever.


Zoe... life.

California (pictures say more than words)

Fuh-ire!!! (It works.)

And though I can't begin to understand the reason...

I was reading the Chronicles of Narnia- Voyage of the Dawn Treader the other day when I came to a part that really stuck out to me. Edmund and Lucy's cousin, Eustace, is on a voyage with them and at one point is turned into a dragon. Even though this helps Eusatce to realize some things about himself, he does NOT enjoy being a dragon at all. He hates seeing his reflection and is afraid of being alone. At the same time though, he is ashamed of being around others because of who he is. I think, minus the dragon part haha, we've all felt like that at times... or maybe its just me, but either way... sometimes we just become so dissatisfied with who we are. We don't like ourselves enough, so how can we expect others to like us? And then there's times when we don't want to be alone for fear of what our thoughts might bring, and of what can come from that thinking...

Well one night Aslan comes to Eustace, leads him to a well, and tells him to undress. Eustace then scratches off his scales and steps out of a layer of skin. When he thinks he is ready to step into the well, he realizes that there is another suit under the one he has just scratched off. This happens three times before Aslan steps in and says he will have to undress Eustace himself. In a state of desperation, the boy/dragon didn't object. I'm going to quote the next part in the story:

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off... Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off- just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt."

This is the part that got me... I mean really... how often do I take all my hurts and my struggles, and try to get rid of them myself, one by one. Yet, they always come back, and still I keep trying to peel it all away, just enough so that it doesn't hurt, and for a moment it feels like I'm getting somewhere. Then I see that all my efforts were pointless, and again I'm left where I started. Yet that's when God comes in and says "My daughter, you don't need to do anything before coming to me, just come to me and let me take care of it." I waste all this time trying to make myself good enough for God, then He tells me all I need to do is turn to Him? Well wouldn't that have been easier in the first place? But then it hurts, it hurts when God brings up things we need to deal with! And why? Only because He is digging deep enough in order to get it all. But goodness, it hurts! But you know what? It is completely worth it. The satisfaction of seeing all that hurt from the past, everything we've struggled with fall away... it's worth the pain from God peeling it all away, it's more than worth it... When we try to fix ourselves we can't go deep enough to get rid of the aching, we don't have it in us to bring up what hurts because we don't see the beauty that can come from that pain.

Aslan then grabs ahold of Eustace, which he didn't like very much since he was tender from his scales and skin being pulled off, and threw him into the water. After only a moment the water was "perfectly delicious" and the pain Eustace had previously felt was gone and he became human again. Aslan then pulled the boy out of the water and gave him a new set of clothes...

Maybe I do trust God enough to peel away my hurt sometimes... but when He does, all of a sudden it becomes too much to handle. It hurt, and so I start pulling away again. Well of course it hurts, I have an open wound and I didn't even let God start the healing yet, and so I walk around as this wound that wasn't treated starts to get infected, and when I finally let God pull the scab off again, I get stuck in the cycle another time. I think thats where a lot of us lose sight, we're expecting to feel fine after God removes everything, and we forget about the healing...

I'm sick of cycles, I want to experience that healing... to the final part of me becoming who God created me to be and giving me that new set of clothes. To be able to dance around in that well in a place of true contentment, to see what that new set of clothes looks like, to truly experience healing like I've never known... this is what I desire.