When the darkness closes in, You are never far from me...

I glanced up at the flight attendants and pilot as I stepped onto the fifth and last airplane of my trip. Here I was again, same old routine. I didn't mind it though, I love the sense of adventure of getting on a plane and traveling. As I settled into my seat, I looked around at the people around me. It was easy to tell who had flown before, and who hadn't. But then again I had never been scared of flying, I've never seen much of a reason to be... Yet, as I shoved my bag under the seat in front of me, I realized how much trust it takes to so confidently sit down, convinced I'll make it safely to my destination. I have to trust that the pilot knows what he is doing, and that the airline who hired him made sure he was qualified. I have to trust the mechanics, and that they checked to make sure the plane was running smoothly. The people filling the plane with gas, they did put in enough, right? What about the flight attendants, they really did shut the door tight and make sure everything was ready, and I trust they know what to do in case of a crash (that I already trust won't happen). Yet, with everything that could go wrong, with all the different variables to this trust, I can sit back in my seat, put on my headphones and just chill, pushing out the worries of the world. And on top of that, when I got to the airport, I hopped in a taxi with some guy, trusting he would get me to the hotel, and drive safely there.

How on earth is it so easy to not think twice about any of that, but when it comes to God having control in my life, I hesitate. I stop, I kick, I scream, I turn to run the other way... I wonder what the flight attendants would think if I did that as I got on the plane... hmmm... haha... anyways, how is it so easy to trust someone you have never even heard of in your life, yet so difficult to trust someone who has proved to be faithful time and time again? Ya know, I think it has to do with all God has done for us. He knows everything about us, so for Him to let us down, it would be devastating. Though God has proven He is trustworthy, think about it. If some stranger you just met lets you down, you shrug it off, it's not that big of a deal. Yet when your best friend promises you something, and then they don't go through with that promise, it absolutely devestates you. Why? Because they've invested time in you before, You've grown to trust them. So if God were to let us down, it would be sooooo much worse.

But then again, that doesn't explain why we doubt Him in the first place... maybe it's our own insecurity... If we are able to fully trust God, what are we admitting? We admit that we can't handle things ourselves. We are admitting we are weak. It's been said that in our weakness He is made strong, but do we believe that? As humans, that is really hard for us to do... It seems even when we trust God, it's hard for us to let go. Is that even trust though? "Well yeah, I believe God can handle this, but I don't really want Him to right now, I just want to keep trying myself." I think trust is more than a belief that God can do something, it's the action of letting go without hesitancy.

"To trust Him means, of course, trying to do all that He says. There would be no sense in saying you trusted a person if you would not take his advice. Thus if you have really handed yourself over to Him, it must follow that you are trying to obey Him. But trying in a new way, a less worried way."
C. S. Lewis

Matthew 14:27- 31
But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

The first thing I notice in that story is how Peter never asked if he would be able to walk on the water. He never questioned it, Peter just trusted that if Jesus called him to Himself, Peter would be able to get there. Everytime God calls us to Him, and we walk to Him, we don't often ask about the journey there, we just go (when we're finally able to trust Him that is), and are then surprised by what we face. Jesus never told Peter it would be a nice, calm little stroll to Him, no not at all. In fact, it was windy, and out on the middle of open water... thats intesnse! All of a sudden, in the midst of it, Peter started doubting, which is when he began to sink. Yet, in that point of desperation, he cried out to Jesus, who was within reach of Peter. We always see Jesus as a ways off when Peter starts sinking, but Jesus' response to Peter's crying out was immediate, and He caught His friend, asking why He doubted. Peter wasn't far off when he started drowning, no he was actually within reach of Jesus, and had he wanted to, he could've grabbed onto the man, but the wind and the waves got to him and he doubted anyways. I think we're all a lot like Peter. We trust God initially, but as we walk out into the open, all of a sudden we're aware of the storm around us. Our circumstances become so much clearer than the fact that God is right next to us through it all. We become so absorbed in the uncertain, our focus shifts from what we know to be true. When we fail to see God and trust Him, we start drowning in everything going on. We wait until we get to a point of desperation to cry out to God. Yet He never fails us, even when we hesitate before crying out. He is still always there to grab us and hold on even when we can't keep ourselves up (which is always =P). What if as soon as the wind started, when we became vividly aware of the circumstances around us, we trusted that God wasn't going to let us drown? What if we reached out and grabbed God's hand, before He had to grab ours? Would it change anything? What do you think?

I don't really know what else to say, those are just my random ponderings lately... but I found this quote, and I just want to say... I want to be able to trust in God like this, I couldn't imagine how hard something like that must've been, and to be able to trust that God is good, even in those times, without doubt... wow.

Often I have heard people say, "How good God is! We prayed that it would not rain for our church picnic, and look at the lovely weather!" Yes, God is good when He sends good weather. But God was also good when He allowed my sister, Betsie, to starve to death before my eyes in a German concentration camp. I remember one occasion when I was very discouraged there. Everything around us was dark, and there was darkness in my heart. I remember telling Betsie that I thought God had forgotten us. "No, Corrie," said Betsie, "He has not forgotten us. Remember His Word: "For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him." Corrie concludes, "There is an ocean of God's love available - there is plenty for everyone. May God grant you never to doubt that victorious love - whatever the circumstances."

Corrie Ten Boom

...

Here we are God, we're broken and bruised. But God, if You want the mess we are, if You will take us in the many pieces we bring before you, they're Yours. Our broken hearts, we lay before You. Our fears and failures, Father we lay them down before You. We don't want to doubt anymore God, we know You're a healer, and we accept that healing. These broken pieces, these wounds that have been torn open again and again, God we want you to heal us. We want You God, and You alone. All the other junk in the world, all of our struggles, all of our accomplishments, they don't mean a thing God. We're leaving them behind and walking into Your arms.

We can't pretend we're alright, we are hurting so much. We've pushed you away for way too long. We've tried to do it our own way too many times. We've turned to other things Father, and it's time we let them go. Tonight, we claim your freedom over our lives. We will not be held hostage by anything, but Your love, bind us with Your love. God, we need You. We need You so badly. Speak to us tonight, we want to hear You. We want to see You. And Father, we want to feel You... We need to feel You.

Eh...

I watched the flames crash over the old house like never ending waves. It's odd, isn't it? The same thing you live for can be the very thing that destroys everything around you. With a deep breath, I pulled a gas mask over my face and said a quick prayer. It's not difficult to break into a place that is already burning down, so I kicked in the door and carefully surveyed my surroundings. This wasn't my fight, why should I worry? Yet sometimes the battles that are hardest are those the people closest to you are lost in. Flames spilled out of the room to my right. I remembered nights spent staying up all hours, talking through everything we didn't understand. I never thought it would be like this to watch our memories fade. I didn't have time to think about that though. As fire sparked over my head, I fell to the floor. Hurry up, I thought to myself, hurry up. I moved slowly down the hall. Hello, is anyone in here? A faint cry for help seemed to lift out of the floor boards. I crawled in further until the floor seemed to give out below me. Quickly backing away, I peered into this chasm to the basement. Help, I heard the weak voice again. It was coming from the basement. I glanced over at the stairs where the floor had caved in. So much for that idea. I had a rope ladder on my pack, not the best idea in the midst of a fire, but right now I had no choice. Fastening it to a sturdy pipe, I hesitantly crawled down. It was only a matter of seconds before I found my friend. My eyes filled with tears as I looked at her, so lifeless and alone. Quickly making my way to her side, she watched me with wide eyes. As I reached her, she couldn't say a word, but simply collapsed in my arms with her remaining energy. I knew I needed to get her out, and fast. Grabbing her tightly, I began the ascent up the ladder. It felt like an hour before I finally got us to the top. Stopping for a quick breath at the top, I was soon working my way back through the house. C'mon friend, just a little further, we'll make it. The breath of air as soon as I rushed out that door was possibly the most satisfying burst of air I had ever breathed. Situating my friend against a tree, a little ways from the flames, I ran back into the house. I didn't think anyone else was home, but I had to make sure. The ladder was still hanging precariously over the hole. I scurried down it, not thinking twice about what I was doing. Luckily the basement was small, and I had it searched quickly. No one. I let out a relieved sigh and went to find the ladder. Grabbing onto the bottom, I looked up and gasped. The flames found their way to the outside of the hole. Now I was stuck, exactly where I just helped my friend escape, unsure of where to go. It wasn't worth screaming above the roaring flames. There seemed to be nothing to do but watch as the fire spread towards me, shaking its angry fist in bursts of smoke. I looked up through the hole one more time, and as the ladder burned, hold on, I heard you say hold on.

...

I sat somewhat awkwardly on the hard plastic chair. What kind of comfort were they trying to provide anyways? There was an open couch in the small room, but I couldn't bring myself to sit in it. Couches are for watching movies. You sit in couches with your best friend, laughing over absolutely nothing. Couches are comfortable, right now I wasn't. And I refused to sit on the couch.

I pulled my legs up under me, watching the different people in the room. I should know who they were. A friend of my mom's, a staff member, someone from church maybe? I glanced up as my father walked into the room, breaking the awkward silence. Do I want to see her? What kind of question was that? Yes, I want to go watch my sister, barely grasping life. I want to hear the whirring machines, announcing there isn't much time left. I kept a neutral face, hardly moving, hoping that would be enough of an answer.

I wasn't sure if I should be angry or thankful for the clock on the wall. The steady ticking told me that time wasn't speeding up, but at least it wasn't slowing down either. Are you still holding on, Mary? Another minute passed. Are you thinking of home? Do you know how near the end is? I sighed, resituating myself in the plastic cocoon. Silent conversations blew a somber tone into the room. "She won't make it through the night."

Of course, I knew that. We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for that thing called death. But then death seems to be the one concept that makes people truly care. Who knows where all these people were before, but now that there was a timeframe, everyone was interested. Maybe it's because no one really understands life in the first place, that they have to look at death for a reason. Yet I don't think all the intelligence in the universe could ever truly get it.

It's funny how much life someone so lifeless can have. Yet in just a second, it all disappears. Did I not have enough faith? Maybe I should have let myself feel something, anything. Everyone says it's okay to cry, that you don't have to pretend to be strong, but does anyone truly believe that? I may have just watched my family die with my sister, but I couldn't let that happen to me too. Someone has to stay strong. I guess that someone was me this time. I was okay with that.

I hated that I didn't know anyone at the funeral. I wonder how many of them Mary actually knew. How many of them were truly around for her when she needed someone to talk to? Who had been a shoulder for her when she needed to cry? I wanted to tell everyone to go home. To say that Mary didn't need them anymore. "She won!" I would yell, "Cancer lost yet another battle... she won..." I could shout it through tears, to anyone who would listen. My voice would trail off at the end... Would anyone listen?

But I remained silent.

You make it so hard on yourself...

When has love become such a game? There are so many rules, so much is at stake. When have we become so caught up in protecting ourselves? That's not what love should be... thats not what love is!

Sometimes I think we use love to make us look good, or at other times, we just try to love because it's "the right thing to do." If God is love, doesn't that mean we should be finding our love through Him? We can't just decide to love someone, and that be that. Our love can't come from anywhere else but God, He is love... Love isn't an emotion, it's an action... not even that, it's a lifestyle... It's saturating ourselves in God, because when we're so covered in love ourselves, there's no way we can't love those around us...

John 4:16
And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.

I think we so often start focusing on our relationships with other people, and how we can fix them or make them better that we tend to lose our focus and let humans replace our relationship with God. Maybe not replace entirely, but instead of looking at God and resting in His love, we try to love through our own abilities... yet somehow we always come up short. Without God, the loves just not really truly there.

Song of Solomon 8:7
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

Wouldn't it be awesome to be able to love like that? No matter what strong waters come rushing into our lives, or how big of a wave may crash down, our love for each other would not fade a bit. I'm not even talking just love for our family, or in friendships, but for everyone... every person we meet would see our love for them, that we really care for them, no matter what their background is or what they have done.

If there's one thing in this life I want more than anything else, it's to love like Jesus. Everything always comes back to love... it's love that casts out fear, we don't have to be afraid of anything because of God's great love for us. The enemy has no power over us, and no one can hurt us, all because of God's awesome love for each and every one of us. With love that amazing, shouldn't we be thrilled at the chance to share that love? =)

1 John 4:18
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

I haven't abandoned ship...

Promise.

Just smile now, as the world walks on by...

The stories are true, but there's not necesssarily real characters... It's like in war and history movies... the war really happened, the events all actually took place, but usually the characters are completely made up or just vaguely based on real people.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in a real life movie, playing the wrong character. Not because I was cast as the wrong role, but because I chose the one that it's easiest to hide behind. God planned our lives, with the perfect role for each of us, so why is it so hard to play that part? No, wait... it wouldn't be playing, 'cause that is who we really are... how come it is so much easier to pretend to be someone else? "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord..." "But I know the plans I have for myself," I argue... and God continues "Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you..." I'm pretty sure that I can't honestly say my own plans won't harm me... because I know they will. So again, why is it so easy to fall back behind the mask... why is it so hard to step off the stage and live outside the act?

I think one of the problems with running away from who we are, is that in the midst of it all, we end up giving God the wrong role in our lives as well. At least in my life, I've found that when I'm feeling the furthest from God is when I feel the most condemned... Yet when I feel the closest to Him, is when I start learning to be who I really am, and liking that person... I know I've said that we will never know who we truly are until we learn to seek out who God is... and I need to add to that... We will never be confident with who we truly are, until we are confident with who God created us to be... I know they're essentially the same thing (assuming that under the masks, we all really are the person God created us to be), but sometimes its easier to just spend time learning who God created us to be and engraving that in our minds and into our hearts before we realize that who He created us to be is who we really are... and yeah I never really completed my thoughts on that and am just rambling now... sooooo I'll stop for now... yes. =P

Psalm 34:5
Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

I can't deny 'cause He's already knowing this...

Resist: to refrain or abstain from, esp. with difficulty or reluctance
Overcome: to conquer or defeat; to overcome the enemy

What does it mean to overcome? Is it simply not giving into temptations, or is there more to it? To overcome is to defeat something; to resist is to avoid it… I have spent way too long resisting, and not enough time overcoming in my life. It is always just the same motions, nothing changes. Sure I may be able to avoid temptations, but is there any healing going on? How does resisting help in the restoration of our hearts? It doesn’t. All resisting does is avoid the deeper issues, pushing them further into the darkness.

Alright, alright… I know I need to overcome some struggles in my life, but is it really possible? Sometimes I’m not entirely sure I have it in me. Well, I suppose I don’t on my own. I can never overcome these things in my own way. How come it is so easy to doubt God though? What has He ever done to make me think He isn’t trustworthy, and will let me down? I’m reminded of a story in Mark 9… A man approaches Jesus on behalf of His son who is possessed by an evil spirit. The man asks Jesus this: “…if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us." That man had his doubts. He wanted to believe that Jesus could do anything, that He would be able to help him, but yet he feared that maybe He couldn’t… maybe it was not true at all… “if you can do anything…”

23" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."

24Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"

“Everything is possible for him who believes.” So that’s what my doubts are achieving… or not achieving at that… but I love the man’s ‘prayer’ there. “Help me overcome my unbelief.” Well now we’re getting somewhere... The first step in overcoming anything else is to first overcome our unbelief. We need to believe, not just say, but truly believe that through God, we are Overcomers.

God loves us, He can and will heal us and He will show us what freedom really is. In His love, our mistakes are already overcome, He WILL set us free.

2 Timothy 4:7
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Once again we’re reminded how important faith really is. I’m going to reword that. “Because I have kept the faith, my fighting has been worth it and I have finished this race.” I think I forget how important faith is in my struggles… I just kind of push it aside as not that important, when in reality it is what everything I believe is based on. Without faith, we can’t finish the race, we won’t be able to fight the good fight... Well maybe we can fight, but we won't get very far in it.

1 John 2:14
I have written to you, fathers, because you know Him who has been from the beginning. I have written to you, young men, because you are strong, and the word of God abides in you, and you have overcome the evil one.

Living someone else's dream, it's harder than it seems...

Dear friend,

I have seen you so often, yet have never stopped to really let you know how I feel. I've never looked you in the eye and said you would be just fine. I never gave you the chance to know how loved you really are. Ignoring the truth, I stole it from you.

I'm sorry.

Everyday I see your faded eyes; every day hiding behind the same lie. I notice, yet I let it go. You're hiding something, and not once have I stopped to figure out what it is or why you feel the way you do.

I'm sorry.

If I really stopped and tried to understand, would I find more behind your smile? Is there actually more there? 'Cause girl I don't know who you are anymore, and I wonder if I ever will. Is it all my fault you are so scared to be real? What are you hiding from... Are you hiding from me?

I'm sorry.

How come I've paid attention to everyone but you? I guess I have felt that you weren't important enough for my time. You appear to have it all together, why would I need to waste my time on you when there's so many other hurting people out there? That's not really fair to say though, is it? I suppose I have downplayed your needs for way too long.

I'm sorry.

So what if I promised to start caring again? Would you let me? Would it even matter, or is it too late? What if the next time I see you in the mirror, I look right into your eyes and insist that you are worth it? Will you believe me? Can you at least try? I want to see your heart, and a genuine twinkle in your eye... will you change this time?

'Rika

Why don't I just draw a little closer...

I have a lot to write... yet I can't seem to find the time, or thoughts to complete them. Sad day, I know... or maybe it's best. ;) Anyways, it's easy to post pictures, so we can just call it my California photo journal. =P Also, I like Paul Wright... and he has very clever shirts that say "I found Mr. Wright." Brilliant, I know. =P *sings* say I know, I know... wow this is lame... and why I should only post pics... *giggles*


Hanging out in a cute city after our day at the beach... best sign ever =\

Becky insisted on this haha =)

I'm not sure if they're flowers or weeds... with an elephant seal in the background *snickers*


We visited a castle... okay, it was a winery =\ but we think there was a celebrity there... though I'm not sure who ;) and honestly don't really care to...


Lunch on the beach...


I killed him singlehandedly =\


At the castle winery... I thought it was kind of cool =P


lots and lots of birdies...


I like 'em =)


The beach is amazing...


I happen to think elephant seals are hilarious...


and funny looking...


I want to hug one =P


Lil' Z is pretty much the most adorable little girl ever.


Zoe... life.

California (pictures say more than words)

Fuh-ire!!! (It works.)

And though I can't begin to understand the reason...

I was reading the Chronicles of Narnia- Voyage of the Dawn Treader the other day when I came to a part that really stuck out to me. Edmund and Lucy's cousin, Eustace, is on a voyage with them and at one point is turned into a dragon. Even though this helps Eusatce to realize some things about himself, he does NOT enjoy being a dragon at all. He hates seeing his reflection and is afraid of being alone. At the same time though, he is ashamed of being around others because of who he is. I think, minus the dragon part haha, we've all felt like that at times... or maybe its just me, but either way... sometimes we just become so dissatisfied with who we are. We don't like ourselves enough, so how can we expect others to like us? And then there's times when we don't want to be alone for fear of what our thoughts might bring, and of what can come from that thinking...

Well one night Aslan comes to Eustace, leads him to a well, and tells him to undress. Eustace then scratches off his scales and steps out of a layer of skin. When he thinks he is ready to step into the well, he realizes that there is another suit under the one he has just scratched off. This happens three times before Aslan steps in and says he will have to undress Eustace himself. In a state of desperation, the boy/dragon didn't object. I'm going to quote the next part in the story:

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off... Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off- just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt."

This is the part that got me... I mean really... how often do I take all my hurts and my struggles, and try to get rid of them myself, one by one. Yet, they always come back, and still I keep trying to peel it all away, just enough so that it doesn't hurt, and for a moment it feels like I'm getting somewhere. Then I see that all my efforts were pointless, and again I'm left where I started. Yet that's when God comes in and says "My daughter, you don't need to do anything before coming to me, just come to me and let me take care of it." I waste all this time trying to make myself good enough for God, then He tells me all I need to do is turn to Him? Well wouldn't that have been easier in the first place? But then it hurts, it hurts when God brings up things we need to deal with! And why? Only because He is digging deep enough in order to get it all. But goodness, it hurts! But you know what? It is completely worth it. The satisfaction of seeing all that hurt from the past, everything we've struggled with fall away... it's worth the pain from God peeling it all away, it's more than worth it... When we try to fix ourselves we can't go deep enough to get rid of the aching, we don't have it in us to bring up what hurts because we don't see the beauty that can come from that pain.

Aslan then grabs ahold of Eustace, which he didn't like very much since he was tender from his scales and skin being pulled off, and threw him into the water. After only a moment the water was "perfectly delicious" and the pain Eustace had previously felt was gone and he became human again. Aslan then pulled the boy out of the water and gave him a new set of clothes...

Maybe I do trust God enough to peel away my hurt sometimes... but when He does, all of a sudden it becomes too much to handle. It hurt, and so I start pulling away again. Well of course it hurts, I have an open wound and I didn't even let God start the healing yet, and so I walk around as this wound that wasn't treated starts to get infected, and when I finally let God pull the scab off again, I get stuck in the cycle another time. I think thats where a lot of us lose sight, we're expecting to feel fine after God removes everything, and we forget about the healing...

I'm sick of cycles, I want to experience that healing... to the final part of me becoming who God created me to be and giving me that new set of clothes. To be able to dance around in that well in a place of true contentment, to see what that new set of clothes looks like, to truly experience healing like I've never known... this is what I desire.

"But if you ever fall, just fall into My arms..."

Dear 2 AM,

I think we have been spending too much time together. I really do like you, and the friends you bring with you, but I am not convinced we were meant to be. I do not want to hurt you and hope, more than anything, that we can still be friends.

I suppose I owe you the whole truth. You see, I have been forced into an affair with School. Peer pressure, as well as pressure from my parents has convinced me to pursue this relationship. I hope that you don't take this the wrong way, as I would never want to hurt you. I honestly feel though, that at this moment, this is best for me. Okay, maybe I don't, but no one else seems to understand how you fit into my life. As soon as I am able, I plan to break off this broken relationship with School, knowing there would hardly be any hurt on that end.

It seems no matter what I do, you are on my mind. My thinking is blurred from you, I have lost sleep over you. Yet it is so hard to let go. I cannot imagine never seeing you again. If you don't mind, maybe we can get together on the weekends, and over holidays. I am also hoping you will still be willing to spend the summer with me. We have shared laughs together, and you've been there when I have cried. I really do hope that there are no hard feelings, and that you'll be able to understand where I am coming from. I only wish it didn't have to be this way.

In hopes of seeing you soon,

Erika

Saving Cain and Abel kitties...

Hi. Yes, hello. How art thou? I hear a siren. I really did have a point to this blog, I'm just taking a detour. They are so NOT coming after me... they're after Chia. =/ psh.

Anyways. Chia and I went to youth group today. The end. Not really. We pumped up the bass (not the fish =/) as we headed home and rocked out to some FF5 and TFK. 'Twas fun. And that is still not related to anything. We got home at approximately 9:37.2754. It was kind of a hard time for me, 'cause I realized I needed to edit an essay. Well I walked into the office to email myself my paper, when we heard meowing. Make a wish. Long story shortish, kind of not really... we found our kitty with some kitties =S... umm our cat had babies... and for some reason she didn't clean the gunk off... two of the kitties were stuck together. We thought they were siamese at first. hahaha (said in a lively monotone), then realized they were tangled in birth gunk. Yeah, it was kind of tragic. But its okay, we brought them into the light. Literally. I need sleep... or something... and there really isn't a point to this, but I saved the kitties lives by untangling them... it took a lot of work and yeah... moral of the story... homework is good, it may save lives =/ *laughs* haha riiiiight =\

Say it to me in a way that I can understand...

'Tis my friends and my blog, check it out!



It's been a crazy week or so, in oh so many ways. I can't say I'm not glad things are finally calming down. Well... yeah.

I've been excited for spring to be on its way, its been so nice out lately. So what do I wake up to this morning? Some sort of snow storm =/ The only way I will be happy with that would be if school is canceled tomorrow. Right. Ha, tomorrow is April Fools day. I actually almost forgot about it. Note that I said "almost". Thats right. *smiles* But yes. Rawr. I have a secret project to tend to. Not one thats related to April Fools Day though... this is a different one. I think I have too many projects going, eh? haha, oh well. I didn't really have anything worth saying on here right now, but I felt like writing something anyways ;)

Who needs drugs and alcohol when you have toes?

This past week was full of lots of Chia and lots of Nicette. I don't know if I even need to say anymore *laughs*






That is all =/

I feel like I should write more though, but c'mon, what more is there to say? So yes, I guess that really is it. *smiles*

She said, "Are you getting rest?" Sarcastic, I said "plenty"

Hi. Yes, hi. That is pretty much all I have to say. Not really, I'm at Ashley's. She was taking a shower, so I was going to post a blog to enertain myself, but her computers slow. So now... now there's a cool "O" on her door. It tells me I'm awesome. She says its directed towards her, but we know thats all just a cover up. Jesus love you snow much. Wow, thats kind of a lame sticker. But it speaks truth... according to Ashley... but I think Jesus loves us more than snow. 'Cause we're alive. Apparently snow is alive also, in the snow world. Theres snow families that lives in igloos, which is awkward cause that means they make igloos out of each other. I guess they liv ein grass huts instead. squeeeek. Its an old chair, what can I say *shrugs* Bands have weird names... but I can't tell you which ones, 'cause that'd be an invasion of privacy haha... Speaking of band names, I've been in quite a few myself *snickers* There's Almost Forgotten, hold on Ashley's brushing my hair, awkward!! *steals brush* aw man, they don't have gel or anything here, my 'hawks gonna look odd... oh yeah, bands... Wash Work (short for Wash Hands Before Returning to Work)... but I think if I was really in a band, I'd call it Clothed in Chaos. I wrote a story with a band by that name in it. Come to think of it, I never finished that book... it was my studyhall enertainment last year, so pretty much its lame whooooo. Pickles are amazing. Well they're alright, you have to have the right kind. Like the ones at the WI cheese store thingamajig at the Mall of America... I get one all the time. Well I only have twice, but close enough. Not like I really go to the mall often, actually I haven't been there for a really long time. Shopping gets me the closet to death I've ever been. That might be a tad exaggerated, and its fun with friends... but I still get tired. Okay, maybe I should rephrase... shopping with my family gets me the closest... but thats okay, I have legs, I can go wander off by myself. I like wandering off by myself. Especially at music festivals, that probably sounds odd, but true story. Lifelight was like the most amazing ever because I didn't have to be with anyone, I just walked around... it was snazzy. wow this is getting long, I should probably stop for the sake of everyone involved. Did you honestly read that? wow, and I thought I didn't have a life just for writing it *laughs* haha I'm kidding... =/ (and for a certain someone, I don't feel like finding an actual stern smiley, so that does NOT cancel itself out =P)

I will walk on water and You, will catch me if I fall...

Have you ever had some one come up to you all excited to show you something? I get that a lot, someone will come up to me and be like "Erika, come here! You have to see this, it is so cool!" Usually though, it is when I am in the middle of somethng so I'll just respond "yeah, hold on" usually assuming its nothing anyways, and then ignore the continuing calls to see it. Then I finally get around to go see what was so special, but by the time I get there, I've missed out on a lot, or maybe even missed it totally. If I only knew what was so special, if I knew what I was missing, maybe then I would've been more interested. Maybe then I could've just stopped everything I was doing and been able to see the beauty before it faded away.

I think we tend to do the same thing with God, at least I do. He'll come up to me, grab both my hands in His and tell me "Come on, you have to see this amazing freedom I have for you. I want for you to feel this, I don't want you to hurt anymore. I know the path to it may be painful, but in the end it is worth it all." Then I often pull away, turn the other way and tell Him "but God, I'm not ready for that yet. I have to do this and that, plus I am not up for the journey yet..." Truly, will I ever be ready? I mean in my mind? psh yeah right... but I don't need to be, because God is ready for me, He always has been. Maybe one day after I've waited for so long I'll realize how much I've been missing in the time I've pulled away, I'll realize I haven't really been living for that time. Now, do I truly want to experience that freedom, or will I forever turn away and never really find the beauty that could come from this pain? Wow, what a stupid question. =P


Matthew 8:20-22
20Jesus was curt: "Are you ready to rough it? We're not staying in the best inns, you know."

21Another follower said, "Master, excuse me for a couple of days, please. I have my father's funeral to take care of."

22Jesus refused. "First things first. Your business is life, not death. Follow me. Pursue life."

It's beautiful, you can turn mistakes to miracles...

I've always stunk at juggling, like seriously, it just doesn't work for me. =P But yeah, I don't know why I started thinking about this, but I did and I realized I've been juggling a lot lately, without really even noticing it. I'll be holding onto something with my right hand, and thats where my focus is, and of course I know I need to let that go. So when I do let it go, when I throw that out, maybe, just maybe for a split second I'll feel free... Yet as I was focusing on whatever I was holding onto with my right hand, I failed to pay attention to what my left hand was grabbing. Then, before I even realize whats happening, that ends up in my right hand, and now my focus is off again, as I start holding tightly onto that. And it becomes a cycle, with the same few issues, letting go of one, grabbing onto another, letting go of that then grabbing something else. I guess I've kind of made myself believe that I have to always be holding onto one of them, that I can't ever be free from it all. But now, as my hands are occupied in this juggling, how can I really do anything? I'm too distracted trying to keep this constant game going that I forget what is really important. How can I possibly grasp God's plans when I'm too busy trying to play this game? I just can't, theres no way to grasp onto both at the same time. And maybe thats what I need to realize, God doesn't want us to be so focused on trying to let go of everything and get stuck in this cycle, not at all. He wants us to give it ALL to Him, let Him take care of it so that we can continue on the journey He has for us... We can be His hands only if we release what we're holding into His hands... but am I ready to do that? Is there any getting ready to do anyways? Whatever happened to "come just as you are." No, theres nothing left to do. Let go and let God. That's it. So why is it so hard to do?