California (pictures say more than words)

Fuh-ire!!! (It works.)

And though I can't begin to understand the reason...

I was reading the Chronicles of Narnia- Voyage of the Dawn Treader the other day when I came to a part that really stuck out to me. Edmund and Lucy's cousin, Eustace, is on a voyage with them and at one point is turned into a dragon. Even though this helps Eusatce to realize some things about himself, he does NOT enjoy being a dragon at all. He hates seeing his reflection and is afraid of being alone. At the same time though, he is ashamed of being around others because of who he is. I think, minus the dragon part haha, we've all felt like that at times... or maybe its just me, but either way... sometimes we just become so dissatisfied with who we are. We don't like ourselves enough, so how can we expect others to like us? And then there's times when we don't want to be alone for fear of what our thoughts might bring, and of what can come from that thinking...

Well one night Aslan comes to Eustace, leads him to a well, and tells him to undress. Eustace then scratches off his scales and steps out of a layer of skin. When he thinks he is ready to step into the well, he realizes that there is another suit under the one he has just scratched off. This happens three times before Aslan steps in and says he will have to undress Eustace himself. In a state of desperation, the boy/dragon didn't object. I'm going to quote the next part in the story:

"The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off... Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off- just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt."

This is the part that got me... I mean really... how often do I take all my hurts and my struggles, and try to get rid of them myself, one by one. Yet, they always come back, and still I keep trying to peel it all away, just enough so that it doesn't hurt, and for a moment it feels like I'm getting somewhere. Then I see that all my efforts were pointless, and again I'm left where I started. Yet that's when God comes in and says "My daughter, you don't need to do anything before coming to me, just come to me and let me take care of it." I waste all this time trying to make myself good enough for God, then He tells me all I need to do is turn to Him? Well wouldn't that have been easier in the first place? But then it hurts, it hurts when God brings up things we need to deal with! And why? Only because He is digging deep enough in order to get it all. But goodness, it hurts! But you know what? It is completely worth it. The satisfaction of seeing all that hurt from the past, everything we've struggled with fall away... it's worth the pain from God peeling it all away, it's more than worth it... When we try to fix ourselves we can't go deep enough to get rid of the aching, we don't have it in us to bring up what hurts because we don't see the beauty that can come from that pain.

Aslan then grabs ahold of Eustace, which he didn't like very much since he was tender from his scales and skin being pulled off, and threw him into the water. After only a moment the water was "perfectly delicious" and the pain Eustace had previously felt was gone and he became human again. Aslan then pulled the boy out of the water and gave him a new set of clothes...

Maybe I do trust God enough to peel away my hurt sometimes... but when He does, all of a sudden it becomes too much to handle. It hurt, and so I start pulling away again. Well of course it hurts, I have an open wound and I didn't even let God start the healing yet, and so I walk around as this wound that wasn't treated starts to get infected, and when I finally let God pull the scab off again, I get stuck in the cycle another time. I think thats where a lot of us lose sight, we're expecting to feel fine after God removes everything, and we forget about the healing...

I'm sick of cycles, I want to experience that healing... to the final part of me becoming who God created me to be and giving me that new set of clothes. To be able to dance around in that well in a place of true contentment, to see what that new set of clothes looks like, to truly experience healing like I've never known... this is what I desire.

"But if you ever fall, just fall into My arms..."

Dear 2 AM,

I think we have been spending too much time together. I really do like you, and the friends you bring with you, but I am not convinced we were meant to be. I do not want to hurt you and hope, more than anything, that we can still be friends.

I suppose I owe you the whole truth. You see, I have been forced into an affair with School. Peer pressure, as well as pressure from my parents has convinced me to pursue this relationship. I hope that you don't take this the wrong way, as I would never want to hurt you. I honestly feel though, that at this moment, this is best for me. Okay, maybe I don't, but no one else seems to understand how you fit into my life. As soon as I am able, I plan to break off this broken relationship with School, knowing there would hardly be any hurt on that end.

It seems no matter what I do, you are on my mind. My thinking is blurred from you, I have lost sleep over you. Yet it is so hard to let go. I cannot imagine never seeing you again. If you don't mind, maybe we can get together on the weekends, and over holidays. I am also hoping you will still be willing to spend the summer with me. We have shared laughs together, and you've been there when I have cried. I really do hope that there are no hard feelings, and that you'll be able to understand where I am coming from. I only wish it didn't have to be this way.

In hopes of seeing you soon,

Erika

Saving Cain and Abel kitties...

Hi. Yes, hello. How art thou? I hear a siren. I really did have a point to this blog, I'm just taking a detour. They are so NOT coming after me... they're after Chia. =/ psh.

Anyways. Chia and I went to youth group today. The end. Not really. We pumped up the bass (not the fish =/) as we headed home and rocked out to some FF5 and TFK. 'Twas fun. And that is still not related to anything. We got home at approximately 9:37.2754. It was kind of a hard time for me, 'cause I realized I needed to edit an essay. Well I walked into the office to email myself my paper, when we heard meowing. Make a wish. Long story shortish, kind of not really... we found our kitty with some kitties =S... umm our cat had babies... and for some reason she didn't clean the gunk off... two of the kitties were stuck together. We thought they were siamese at first. hahaha (said in a lively monotone), then realized they were tangled in birth gunk. Yeah, it was kind of tragic. But its okay, we brought them into the light. Literally. I need sleep... or something... and there really isn't a point to this, but I saved the kitties lives by untangling them... it took a lot of work and yeah... moral of the story... homework is good, it may save lives =/ *laughs* haha riiiiight =\

Say it to me in a way that I can understand...

'Tis my friends and my blog, check it out!



It's been a crazy week or so, in oh so many ways. I can't say I'm not glad things are finally calming down. Well... yeah.

I've been excited for spring to be on its way, its been so nice out lately. So what do I wake up to this morning? Some sort of snow storm =/ The only way I will be happy with that would be if school is canceled tomorrow. Right. Ha, tomorrow is April Fools day. I actually almost forgot about it. Note that I said "almost". Thats right. *smiles* But yes. Rawr. I have a secret project to tend to. Not one thats related to April Fools Day though... this is a different one. I think I have too many projects going, eh? haha, oh well. I didn't really have anything worth saying on here right now, but I felt like writing something anyways ;)

Who needs drugs and alcohol when you have toes?

This past week was full of lots of Chia and lots of Nicette. I don't know if I even need to say anymore *laughs*






That is all =/

I feel like I should write more though, but c'mon, what more is there to say? So yes, I guess that really is it. *smiles*

She said, "Are you getting rest?" Sarcastic, I said "plenty"

Hi. Yes, hi. That is pretty much all I have to say. Not really, I'm at Ashley's. She was taking a shower, so I was going to post a blog to enertain myself, but her computers slow. So now... now there's a cool "O" on her door. It tells me I'm awesome. She says its directed towards her, but we know thats all just a cover up. Jesus love you snow much. Wow, thats kind of a lame sticker. But it speaks truth... according to Ashley... but I think Jesus loves us more than snow. 'Cause we're alive. Apparently snow is alive also, in the snow world. Theres snow families that lives in igloos, which is awkward cause that means they make igloos out of each other. I guess they liv ein grass huts instead. squeeeek. Its an old chair, what can I say *shrugs* Bands have weird names... but I can't tell you which ones, 'cause that'd be an invasion of privacy haha... Speaking of band names, I've been in quite a few myself *snickers* There's Almost Forgotten, hold on Ashley's brushing my hair, awkward!! *steals brush* aw man, they don't have gel or anything here, my 'hawks gonna look odd... oh yeah, bands... Wash Work (short for Wash Hands Before Returning to Work)... but I think if I was really in a band, I'd call it Clothed in Chaos. I wrote a story with a band by that name in it. Come to think of it, I never finished that book... it was my studyhall enertainment last year, so pretty much its lame whooooo. Pickles are amazing. Well they're alright, you have to have the right kind. Like the ones at the WI cheese store thingamajig at the Mall of America... I get one all the time. Well I only have twice, but close enough. Not like I really go to the mall often, actually I haven't been there for a really long time. Shopping gets me the closet to death I've ever been. That might be a tad exaggerated, and its fun with friends... but I still get tired. Okay, maybe I should rephrase... shopping with my family gets me the closest... but thats okay, I have legs, I can go wander off by myself. I like wandering off by myself. Especially at music festivals, that probably sounds odd, but true story. Lifelight was like the most amazing ever because I didn't have to be with anyone, I just walked around... it was snazzy. wow this is getting long, I should probably stop for the sake of everyone involved. Did you honestly read that? wow, and I thought I didn't have a life just for writing it *laughs* haha I'm kidding... =/ (and for a certain someone, I don't feel like finding an actual stern smiley, so that does NOT cancel itself out =P)

I will walk on water and You, will catch me if I fall...

Have you ever had some one come up to you all excited to show you something? I get that a lot, someone will come up to me and be like "Erika, come here! You have to see this, it is so cool!" Usually though, it is when I am in the middle of somethng so I'll just respond "yeah, hold on" usually assuming its nothing anyways, and then ignore the continuing calls to see it. Then I finally get around to go see what was so special, but by the time I get there, I've missed out on a lot, or maybe even missed it totally. If I only knew what was so special, if I knew what I was missing, maybe then I would've been more interested. Maybe then I could've just stopped everything I was doing and been able to see the beauty before it faded away.

I think we tend to do the same thing with God, at least I do. He'll come up to me, grab both my hands in His and tell me "Come on, you have to see this amazing freedom I have for you. I want for you to feel this, I don't want you to hurt anymore. I know the path to it may be painful, but in the end it is worth it all." Then I often pull away, turn the other way and tell Him "but God, I'm not ready for that yet. I have to do this and that, plus I am not up for the journey yet..." Truly, will I ever be ready? I mean in my mind? psh yeah right... but I don't need to be, because God is ready for me, He always has been. Maybe one day after I've waited for so long I'll realize how much I've been missing in the time I've pulled away, I'll realize I haven't really been living for that time. Now, do I truly want to experience that freedom, or will I forever turn away and never really find the beauty that could come from this pain? Wow, what a stupid question. =P


Matthew 8:20-22
20Jesus was curt: "Are you ready to rough it? We're not staying in the best inns, you know."

21Another follower said, "Master, excuse me for a couple of days, please. I have my father's funeral to take care of."

22Jesus refused. "First things first. Your business is life, not death. Follow me. Pursue life."

It's beautiful, you can turn mistakes to miracles...

I've always stunk at juggling, like seriously, it just doesn't work for me. =P But yeah, I don't know why I started thinking about this, but I did and I realized I've been juggling a lot lately, without really even noticing it. I'll be holding onto something with my right hand, and thats where my focus is, and of course I know I need to let that go. So when I do let it go, when I throw that out, maybe, just maybe for a split second I'll feel free... Yet as I was focusing on whatever I was holding onto with my right hand, I failed to pay attention to what my left hand was grabbing. Then, before I even realize whats happening, that ends up in my right hand, and now my focus is off again, as I start holding tightly onto that. And it becomes a cycle, with the same few issues, letting go of one, grabbing onto another, letting go of that then grabbing something else. I guess I've kind of made myself believe that I have to always be holding onto one of them, that I can't ever be free from it all. But now, as my hands are occupied in this juggling, how can I really do anything? I'm too distracted trying to keep this constant game going that I forget what is really important. How can I possibly grasp God's plans when I'm too busy trying to play this game? I just can't, theres no way to grasp onto both at the same time. And maybe thats what I need to realize, God doesn't want us to be so focused on trying to let go of everything and get stuck in this cycle, not at all. He wants us to give it ALL to Him, let Him take care of it so that we can continue on the journey He has for us... We can be His hands only if we release what we're holding into His hands... but am I ready to do that? Is there any getting ready to do anyways? Whatever happened to "come just as you are." No, theres nothing left to do. Let go and let God. That's it. So why is it so hard to do?